What Is Best for Women?

In marriage and in divorce, I often wonder—what is best for women?

As a woman, as the mother of two daughters, and in honor of Women’s History Month, I am so aware of historical and societal norms that can make it difficult for women to achieve equal access to pretty much anything.

We’re expected to be homemakers. It’s very accepted to take your husband’s name when you marry. And these traditional domestic roles are happening even among younger generations, where women stay home from work to raise the children more often than I would have expected.

These are all fine things! I wanted to be around when my children were young, to take them to their activities, to be available whenever they needed me.

I also wanted to have a thriving legal career and a focus of my own—not just be defined by the roles I played in other people’s lives.

But I don’t take issue with or judge any woman’s decision. The reason it can be an issue is in the event of divorce—because of societal attitudes that are reflected in our laws and in how judges apply those laws.

For a woman who’s stayed home to raise children and not worked outside the family, being a solo parent responsible for bills and the house and other responsibilities requires an income stream.

In a divorce, a woman who has not worked for some years may not have the same financial support as when she was married. And that’s just plainly unfair.

Because raising children and keeping a home is WORK. It’s hard work! Without compensation.

So when a woman in this situation gets divorced, even though the children still need her—perhaps even more than before—now she has to find work and juggle all the responsibilities. Too many times, such a selfless woman who made this choice—in agreement with her husband (and sometimes, perhaps it’s the husband wanting her to stay home)—for the best interests of the family is penalized in the event of divorce.

And when it’s a divorce initiated by the husband, it’s even worse because there is often a lack of appreciation for how this woman came to be in this situation.

I’ve worked with clients who were married for two or three decades, and it is so hard when the marriage ends and a woman who has never been in the work force is faced with the reality of her new life.

I often wonder, is there a better way, in divorce, other than spousal support?

If you’re reading this, I’d love to know what you think. How might we transform the divorce landscape to better respond to real-life situations like these that are just not easy or simple?

What can we do in the divorce world to help families?

Too many men don’t want to pay spousal support after a while, and too many women sink into poverty because they gave up their abilities and identities to serve other people for years and years.

How can we help younger generations not get caught in this same cycle?

Other nations offer childcare that is automatically paid for, and the society expects that everybody is going to be working. But the society provides supports for these expectations, and everyone benefits.

I’d love to see a transformation here in America to better support families, and not leave women out in the cold!