Photo by Marek Studzinski on Unsplash
When people are trying to learn how they want to go through their divorce, my initial conversation with a potential client is a discovery meeting about the possibilities for how to go through a divorce. I talk about two specific processes — Mediation and Collaborative Divorce, as well as pre-litigation settlements and my menu of unbundled services to provide the client just what they need.
There are so many myths and misunderstandings about how Mediation can work, so let me take you through the process of Mediation.
For instance, one prospective client, who had called previously to learn about the options available for herself and her husband, called back recently and said she was told that she couldn’t use me as a Mediator because I had already spoken to her individually.
That’s just not true.
People who are thinking about getting divorced need to be able to educate themselves about the different processes without having to involve their spouse. For Mediation, it’s not unusual that one spouse will reach out to me.
If I give that spouse information, I always tell them, “If you’re interested in Mediation, share this information with your spouse, and decide if you want to have a joint meeting, or you want your spouse to have the opportunity to speak with me separately to also learn about the different processes.”
Setting a Clear Foundation
I make it clear during every initial inquiry that “the discovery meeting is only to educate you about the processes, I will not provide legal advice, nor will you share any specifics relating to your needs and desired outcome.”
I emphasize that in my role as a Mediator, I remain neutral: “I’m not representing either of you, I’m not making decisions for either of you; you don’t need to convince or persuade me. Rather, I’m giving you the tools to make decisions together.”
That’s a really important piece that people need to know about Mediation. There is an initial discovery meeting and once a couple decides that they want to use me as their Mediator, I hold a joint meeting with them where we discuss the process.
Next, the couple sign an agreement to Mediate. I give them each their workbook—Our Family in Two Homes or Our Family in a Few Homes—which now has both a paper workbook and a digital version.
After the initial joint meeting, where I’m retained as a Mediator for the couple, my next step is to meet individually with each person, where I learn about what’s important to them, what they value, how they perceive themselves in terms of communicating with their spouse, where they feel the problems are, and how they might react or respond if there is conflict in the room.
I conduct the same meeting with both spouses. Doing so gives me great insight into what values will guide their decision making and it helps me build rapport with each person, which builds a foundation of trust.
Trust Is Everything
Trust is a big focus for Mediation. Part of our workbook focuses on where there is still trust in the relationship and where it has broken down.
Most couples, even when their marriage is disintegrating, still retain some level of trust, and that’s helpful during a Mediation.
Still, we need to identify what needs to be worked on so that we can communicate fairly and openly to succeed with the Mediation.
I coach clients on communication when challenges arise. This is my role as a Mediator especially when attorneys are not in the room (and doing the talking for their client).
There are couples who retain me for Mediation even though they have already hired attorneys. Certain aspects of the process of Mediation are different when people already have lawyers and are coming to me at a later stage in their divorce. But my style, and the importance of understanding what the clients’ value and what will guide their decision making remains the same.
Regardless of when they come to me, both members of the couple are in on all the details from the very start. In our first joint meeting, for instance, we talk about how they will be billed for Mediation and their expectation as to how they will pay.
If they are still operating and paying all their expenses out of a joint account, then we discuss how the Mediation fees will come out of that joint account. If they have divided incomes and expenses, then we discuss the expectation that each will pay one-half of the bill or if we need to come up with another arrangement.
Regardless of the issue, everything about Mediation is a conversation driven by a desire from both spouses to come up with a solution that they can live with. Ideally, this is how every divorce should go.