Throughout my career as a curious divorce attorney and mediator, I have sought out trainings, certifications, and professional development opportunities to deepen my knowledge and enhance my family law skills.
A few years ago, I began my journey as an Insight Mediator, applying the insight theory to help divorcing couples reach workable and satisfying settlements. Recently, I’ve been participating in the Curious Mediator II training, which seeks to integrate the Conscious Contract® concept into divorce mediation and settlement agreement negotiations.
It’s a natural pairing because a Conscious Contract®, whether in a business relationship or a parenting agreement, takes people through the steps of how they make decisions, guided by values and intended outcomes.
I know it might sound confusing, but we rarely think about what drives our decision-making—and we should!
What motivates decision-making for a businessperson?
A parent?
A romantic partner?
A friend?
When I facilitate a mediation with a divorcing couple or a co-parenting couple post-divorce, I guide them through reflection on their motivations, their decisions, and their intended outcomes. I encourage them to get curious.
I do this every day as a businessperson. I reflect when I am negotiating a contract. I reflect before I guide my team members in their responsibilities. I even reflect as a mother when I am in conversation with my daughters.
Take Time to Reflect
Photo by José M. Reyes on Unsplash
When it comes to divorce, everyone involved will be better for taking the time to reflect on how and why they make decisions. The Curious Mediator training is training me to talk with my Mediation clients about those values that they identify as crucial to guide the decisions they make regarding divorce, parenting and more.
But first, people must be able to articulate their values.
We throw that term around a lot—values. But what does it mean?
Values should refer to the beliefs and priorities that guide your actions. I guide Mediation clients (and really, all my divorce clients) toward identifying specific values, writing them down, discussing them in detail so the other person can understand what you mean, and then, how to use these values to guide decision making.
Within the training, I am looking at how the environment is important in making people feel comfortable and safe talking about what matters most to them.
Everything Is a Contract Between Parties
I look at co-parenting as a contract between former spouses detailing how they will approach situations. The contract is something that both parties articulate and agree to so that when they are during co-parenting, they can refer to it and hold each other, and themselves, accountable to thoughtful, grounded behaviors.
Photo by Joakim Honkasalo on Unsplash
What happens if there’s a dispute? A specific provision guides you through it.
In Curious Mediator training, the emphasis is on getting curious. When I meet with a couple in Mediation, I bring my curiosity—no judgment and no predetermined outcomes. I am there to guide the two of them through their own conversations and hopes for the future and by being curious, I can help them articulate how they want to get there.
Recently, I facilitated a mediation during which the parents created a joint parenting narrative agreeing on what to say to their children about their divorce, what is important to them, and why they made certain decisions. In drafting the Parenting Time Agreement, we included a conflict resolution paragraph that incorporated the values they expressed in their joint parenting narrative.
The hope is that, when they get to a difficult moment in their co-parenting, they will refer to this provision to guide them in resolving their disagreement, helping with what to say and why they, as parents, made certain decisions.
Let Your Values Lead
Mid-conflict, they can look to their values, what matters to them, what they agreed to, and it guides them in moving forward on the same page and with having a coordinated message for their children.
Insight Mediation training changes how I work with people. The Conscious Contract® training affects how I draft documents, not only Judgments of Divorce, Settlement and Parenting Agreements, but also Prenuptial Agreements. Many people come to me to draft prenups and review prenups created by other attorneys, and I am honored to guide them in creating language driven by their values.
Photo by Rodion Kutsaiev on Unsplash
If I understand what’s important to a client, what they have discussed as a couple, whether pre-marriage or post, their legal documents will reflect them. And that matters.
One couple said, “The lawyer who did our first draft wrote it all in legalese. It doesn’t reflect what we believe or what we want for each other or our marriage.”
This is typical. Most attorneys use a template focused on protecting one person in the relationship over the other, not creating a path based on the realistic expectations the couple has for their future.
When I spoke with the couple, they talked about their values and what they want to make sure happens during their marriage. So when I revised the prenuptial agreement, I used plain English—their names, us or me instead of the client—and they felt better about the resulting agreement.
Expanding What Transitions Legal Offers
The Curious Mediator training is not just for divorcing couples. It applies to any conflict, really. I am equipped now, with this training, to mediate a conflict between neighbors or help families resolve disputes.
By gaining these skills, I am broadening the scope of what Transitions Legal can do for you—for anyone.
Our clients now go beyond divorce. Recently, an older couple asked me to mediate a dispute between their grown sons, who owned a business together but were no longer speaking. The business had gone bad, and the wives were at odds. The parents were devastated that their sons were not talking and suggested Mediation.
This is meaningful work!
In another case, some daughters were in conflict with their father, who was remarrying and making changes to his estate plan. They had existing issues with their dad, and they wanted to maintain the family identity, so they hired me and a mental health professional to co-mediate for them.
Most stressful situations demand better communication and empathy. If I can bring that to people, I will consider my life’s work a success.
April is Financial Literacy Month, which is a great reminder to know your numbers before you divorce. Know your assets, know your debts, know your expenses, know your accounts, and have access to everything.
That sentence alone may make your head spin. If it does, know that you’re not alone!
Many people seeking to divorce feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information that is needed to move forward with their divorce—and they feel helpless when they haven’t been the spouse in charge of paying bills or managing money.
It is quite common in a marriage that one spouse is better at managing money. Most divorcing couples find tension and sometimes, disputes, when it comes to the couple’s “marital estate.” That includes the assets, debts and other acquisitions that occurred during the marriage.
If you’re splitting up, chances are good that you don’t agree on how to move forward. One spouse (or both) may want the house; one partner may not want to share retirement savings; if one partner has a much more significant income, they may be reluctant to pay support to the other.
Dividing assets and debts is one potential hurdle that may be painful during your divorce. Painful, but necessary.
Photo by Mathieu Stern on Unsplash
“Equitable distribution” of the marital estate means a fair, not always equal, division of shared assets and debts. But first, both parties need access to, and a clear picture of, what’s on the table.
If you feel like you’re out of the loop on your financial picture, start by requesting your credit report from one of the three major reporting agencies. (Karma.com offers free credit reports!) In that report, you’ll find all accounts and cards in your name alone as well as joint accounts.
Once you receive the report, review each account to ensure accuracy, amounts, and payment history. Dispute inaccurate information immediately.
When acting as a mediator or as an attorney, I ask that each spouse provide a copy of their credit report to me and to the other. It provides confirmation of the debts that exist and must be dealt in deciding how to distribute the marital estate.
Photo by Arno Senoner on Unsplash
If you’re a high net worth couple, your financial picture may be even more complicated than you expect.
Don’t worry, though! We will get to the bottom of everything. Transitions Legal’s financial assessment in divorce includes not just hard numbers but also in-depth conversations with you about your values around money.
In some marriages, one spouse is a free-spender while another is more frugal. We bring values from our families of origin, past experiences and upbringing into the financial picture of a marriage. That’s why money can be a breaking point for many couples!
Your values surrounding money will help guide the divorce settlement, too. In Collaborative Divorce and Mediation, we have deep, meaningful conversations about what matters most to you as a couple and as a family. This guides the divorce so you can both leave the marriage feeling as good as possible about what comes next.
These are not easy conversations and one of the unique aspects of Transitions Legal’s work with you is preparing you for these conversations with resources and tools unique to our firm such as the Our Family in Two Homes workbook.
Still, to get a clear picture of where you’re headed post-divorce, we need a clear picture of where you are now. We can start with a bank balance or account statement.
Some documents or accounts you might want to look for include the following:
Investment portfolios
Retirement accounts and pensions
The deed to your home(s) and mortgage statement
Bank accounts
Business accounts if one or both of you own a business
Tax returns from previous years
Monthly expenses for your household
Credit card statements
Credit reports
Pay stubs
Monthly cash flow
In Collaborative Divorce, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) is part of the team as a strategist who will help with all of this as well as provide insight for your post-divorce financial future. The CDFA on the Collaborative Divorce team will lead you and your spouse in exploring the division of assets, identify tax issues, and help address how to best manage the children’s financial needs for education, extracurricular expenses, medical treatment and more, based on income flow.
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It is also not unusual to include a CDFA in Mediation depending on the complexity of the marital estate and where clients will benefit from additional education about their finances.
The higher your net worth the longer this part of your divorce may take. You might be surprised, but the more debt you have also plays a role in the complexity of dividing assets. It’s important not to rush financial fact-finding or planning! It takes time to create a complete picture of your marital estate.
Many people worry about how they’ll make it financially post-divorce. It may take some months before we can create a clear picture of what your asset distribution will be once the divorce is final.
One thing you can do to be proactive is to create a budget. Look at your expenses and see what you’re likely to carry over into your post-divorce life. This exploration will prepare you for the financial discussions surrounding not only the division of your marital estate, but also about spousal support and child support!
If the expenses of your married life are too high to continue after the divorce, we’ll have conversations about how to trim so you feel confident in your new life.
It’s our job to guide you through the often-complicated financial waters of your divorce and help you emerge on the other side with knowledge, confidence and a clear path.
Effective this month, my law firm is now known as Transitions Legal:Collaborative Divorce & Mediation Center.
It’sa small changefrom theprevious—law offices of Alisa Peskin-Shepherd—but meaningful. This year,I’vetaken the leap to let go of litigation—a restrictive and limiting process.
This is not a decision I made quickly or took lightly.It’staken months (years, really) for me to feel confident doing so because litigation is what everyone knows, andlet’sbe honest, litigation is a guaranteed income stream, so it’s hard for many lawyers to let it go.
Butwhen January hit, and all myDecemberinvoices weresent, I felt like I was on the right path.
The way I practice family law has changed over time but also, the times have changed. Throughout it all, my values have remained steadfast.
When I created Transitions Legal, I proudly took what I called a “mediative” approach to litigation, wearing my Mediator hat even when litigating to more compassionately resolve divorces and other family law issues for my clients.
Family Law Has Changed Over Time
Alisa Peskin-Shepherd, at the beginning of Transitions Legal
When I first started in family law, Michigan had just formed the family court division—specific judges who handle all of the divorce and other family-related cases, and ONLY these types of cases.
Family court judges become specialized in the complicated issues that arise around the emotional, financial and legal issues facing families. Their work is driven by the motto: “one judge, one family,” which means a judge is assigned to that family, along with their Friend of the Court staff, for as long as the family is in the system.
Previously, any circuit court judge without the specialized knowledge, understanding and patience required for family law could be called on to handle family law cases.
Can you imagine?
Another change in my years of practicing has been a movement away from the default position of mothers getting custody of the children, childsupportand alimony tothe expectation that mothers will work, even ifthey’vebeen at home raising kids during the marriage.
This change troubles me. Every family situation is different, so creating a cookie-cutterexpectation is unfair.
That’sone bigreason motivating my move away fromlitigation—it’s limiting, it imposes uninformed societal trends, without considering what is best for a particular family!
Keeping Divorce Out of Court
Keeping divorce out of court helps familiesdeterminetheir best path for movingforward.
Another industry change has been asignificant evolution in parenting time.When I started practicing family law, fathers got “visitation.” Then,maybe theygot alternate weekends with their kids or a weeknight dinner.
Now, the court starts with a default of 50/50 parenting time split equally between both parents, and demands that attorneys make a case for anything different.
This isn’t law (though some would like it to be). It’s a societal ideal that does not fit every family.
(Read about what 50:50 parenting time really meanshere.)
Like everything with divorce, parenting time shouldbe designed specifically for that family. Just like you can’t expectstay-at-homemom to go back to work and start earning an income that is sufficient to support herself and her children, you can’t expect a dad to all-of-a-sudden know how to manage their children’s morning routines, make lunches, and get them out the door for school on time if they haven’t had to do it before.
Alisa Peskin-Shepherd’s Evolution as a Family Law Attorney
As the industry has evolved, I have, too.
Early in my career, I saw how the court system often hurt more than helped families in conflict.I pouredhard work, anxiety, and time intoacustody battle thatwent to late-stagemediation, and the Mediator leaned back in his chair with an air of, “It’s up to you.”
Right then,I wanted to become a Mediator because I sawhow it could reducethe stress on me. I wasn’t yet thinking about how Mediation could benefit my client or be better for a family.
But the more training I got, and the more I practiced Mediation, learning from great Mediators like Sheldon Larky and Zena Zumeta, I learned different styles and how much more satisfied my clients were with their outcomes.
Then came the Collaborative Divorce process that, like Mediation, offers families a way to resolve divorces out of court, with an intentional design to be family- and child-focused.
Over the years, I’ve continued my education and training, elevating my skills as a Mediator and Collaborative Divorce attorney. Now, I use Insight Mediation to facilitate conflict resolution, not just in Mediation, but in all my out-of-court work with clients.
Why Out-of-Court Methods Work So Well
Alisa Peskin-Shepherd customizes every client case to suit their specific needs.
In Mediation,couples can come in beforethey’veretainedattorneys, talk about what they value, and discuss the outcome they’d like to achieve in their divorce.
In Collaborative Divorce, clients are supported by a team of professionals. In both Mediation and Collaborative Divorce, a divorcing couple has the ability to talk to each other—not through attorneys who tell them what they can and cannot have because of a judge’s protocol or biases.
As a Mediator and an attorney committed to out-of-court processes, Ilove helping people converse directly, toward clearly understanding one another, to move forward with confidence.
That makesa big differencein divorce outcomes.
Divorce Does Not Have to Be a Battle
Nowadays,I prefer to practice where lawyers are not adversarial.When my career began, it was a given that lawyers would duke it out in court but be best buds outside of it.I threw in with the best of them, but I hated how it made me feel.
Turns out, my gut aligns with the neuroscience, which I’ve been studying in recent years. Conflict is driven by fear that peoplebring into the room, and that fear prevents them from truly hearing and understanding the other person.
When you actually understand why conflict happens, you can help clients more.That’swhy I do this work—to help clients get from a place of chaos and crisis to a place of productivity and contentment.
I founded Transitions Legal with the belief that divorce is neither good nor bad. It is simply a transition between one state of being to another, a new beginning with a world of possibilities!
Letting go of the limitations of litigationis one more step in the direction of helping couples end marriages without unnecessary combat, keeping conversations productive, child-centered, and based on their values and priorities.
That is work I can be proud of and get excited to do!
Looking back on 12 years of Transitions Legal, part of me wishes I had started this way of practicing family law sooner—it’s that good!!
This was me way back when…
In reality, I started practicing on my own before 2013, but that was the year I rebranded as Transitions Legal and started really thinking about how I practice family law, why I practice that way, and how I want to be know as a divorce lawyer.
What changed at that time to propel me into all of this was that I realized I wanted to grow a law firm. I had been building my legal practice and by 2013, I wanted to support and mentor other professionals.
So I embarked on a branding campaign and a thoughtful messaging development initiative to articulate who I am as a lawyer and how I practice family law.
I’ll be honest—I envisioned growing this firm to include younger associates who would carry the mantle of my approach to family law and maybe one day, take over the firm when I chose to retire. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. Transitions Legal has always remained small with a lean, focused team.
But I am so proud of what I’ve built! What began as a unique approach to practicing “mediative” family law—a term I coined which meant bringing a Mediator’s lens to the practice of divorce law, even in litigation—has evolved to be a completely new way of looking at the legal aspects of divorce.
I’ve been fortunate to be interviewed in news media often over the years, to share my unique approach to family law
Fast forward 12 years and I am excited about focusing solely on Mediation and out-of-court divorce processes like Collaborative Divorce.
I grew the firm for years, and now it’s time for me to focus on my own practice and how I want to show up in the divorce space. I’ve always aligned my values with my legal practice and that remains true today.
As individuals we constantly grow and change, and I am seeing that with myself, too. While once I was driven by the energy of court-room cases, now it’s the last thing in want to be involved in.
I’ve seen so much unnecessary battling and combativeness that it’s turned me off entirely to court-based divorce.
Thankfully, over the years, I have developed my skills to be able to focus on out-of-court divorce processes like Mediation and Collaborative Divorce. I’ve built global relationships that have built my legal practice in new and unexpected ways!
All these years of running Transitions Legal has been a process of refining my legal style and watching the times change to align with my preferred ways to practice divorce law. Today, people are more receptive to out-of-court approaches—in fact, many clamor to it!
Older people seeking Gray Divorces—divorce after age 50—are especially included to choose out-of-court processes for divorce. They don’t want to engage in needless sniping and pettiness. They know there is another way, as do I.
They are older and wiser and don’t want attorneys speaking for them. They don’t need that, frankly, and I am happy to let my clients lead. I always have been!
Younger people today are more mindful of money and want to spend their hard-earned savings in other areas. I can’t blame them! Who wants to pour all their cash down the divorce drain?
My younger clients prioritize travel and homeownership over fighting.
I’ve been working with my marketing guru Lynne Golodner since the very beginning of Transitions Legal
It’s a meeting of the minds and times. My focus now, in addition to out-of-court divorce processes, is bringing along other attorneys who want to find alternative, less combative ways to practice family law.
Many young attorneys these days don’t have any interest in litigating! They see there are better ways to end marriages, many having never been in an actual court building due to the pandemic.
The industry is changing—perhaps it’s waking up—as we all learn better ways to settle grievances.
Twelve years into this entrepreneurial ride, I can honestly say that I’ve been pleased, I’ve been surprised, and I’ve continued to grow. What more could a divorce attorney ask for?
If the Covid pandemic taught us anything, it’s that the way we always thought we had to do things may not be the only way. In fact, when it comes to the legal system, and in particular, family law, the old way of divorcing may not be the best way at all.
I believe the future of divorce is outside of court. We’ve already seen a shift to Zoom hearings, and while at the start of the pandemic, it felt difficult and strange and not ideal, this necessary switch taught us that we can, in fact, find better ways to serve couples seeking to dissolve their marriages.
I don’t want to say that I’ve known this for a long time, but I have. Since I started practicing Collaborative Divorce, and as long as I’ve been a Mediator, I’ve seen firsthand that when a couple breaks up, the court system can’t look out for what’s best for them or their families.
By definition, a system needs to move people through quickly, and not necessarily efficiently or with an eye toward individual needs and circumstances. But a good attorney or legal team can.
Driven by the Insight Approach to Conflict Resolution, I approach Mediation with curiosity. This approach makes me more effective when there is conflict between divorcing parties. But instead of giving direction, I have learned to ask questions. My curiosity has a calming effect as a client reflects in providing a response to my question. In turn, their spouse has opportunities to reflect on what they understood which is often not what is intended. With curiosity, we loop through their intentions and understandings. It is so rewarding to feel the shift toward better understanding leading to new ideas and solutions.
The Insight Approach helps me educate and empower clients to help them evolve through the course of their divorce. It’s a more holistic approach, which might sound touchy-feely and hard to understand, but now I have tools to make it way more concrete.
The more I get involved in this approach, the more I see how different it is from how typical family law practitioners do divorce. From the beginning with a client, I talk to them from a place of curiosity, so their experience is going to be different from the start all the way through the completion of their divorce.
Another tool that my Transitions Legal team employs with our clients is the Our Family in Two Homes workbook, which we give to every client before they begin their divorce to help them articulate their values and goals. If you start with their values and concerns, you can skip the arguing part. Seriously!! Doing the work beforehand helps me guide clients to the outcome they’re happy with.
Once you know how to do divorce with these thoughtful approaches, you can’t help but use it everywhere. It’s already built in to Collaborative Divorce, which by definition seeks to divorce through a team approach that brings not only the spouses to the table with their attorneys, but also with the support of a team that might include therapists, financial advisors and more.
The idea of Insight is not to tell people what to do. In the moment, when they’re going through their divorce, they might want to be told, but ultimately, it’s up to the client. I know how overwhelming and futile it can feel to be going through the end of a marriage you didn’t expect to end. No one does! But that doesn’t mean it’s OK for a lawyer to make decisions for their clients.
I can make suggestions or recommendations, but if the ideas come from the clients themselves, then they’re more likely to be happy with the outcome.
There are so many stories of court-based divorces where a client agrees to settle and then comes back to the lawyer months or even years later, unhappy with the settlement. The lawyers say, “But you agreed to this.” And that may be true. Or maybe they felt exhausted and pressured to just finish the darn thing or agree in the moment, but ultimately it never aligned with what they’re most concerned about and what they value.
A court is designed to make decisions for people. To put people in positions of power to apply the law as objectively as possible.
But a divorce is anything but objective. Which is why I see the future of divorce moving outside of court and staying there.
If we want families and individuals to thrive, we must approach each divorce with curiosity and questions to guide the people involved to their ultimate best destination. Every single client is unique, with their own interests, desires and challenges. A court can’t see that, but you can bet we can. And that’s the only way to achieve the dissolution of a marriage with concern, care and compassion for the people most affected by it.
Hear from a satisfied Transitions Legal client below why she appreciated the process that took her divorce outside of court.
By gaining these skills, I am broadening the scope of what Transitions Legal can do for you—for anyone.
These are not easy conversations and one of the unique aspects of Transitions Legal’s work with you is preparing you for these conversations with resources and tools unique to our firm such as the 
Effective this month, my law firm is now known as Transitions Legal:
Like everything with divorce, parenting time should
