A Conversation with Shelley Acierno-Chari

According to Shelley Acierno-Chari, LMFT, MBA, my friend and a respected licensed marriage and family therapist, 80 percent of the issues with divorce are emotional. Emotions drive fights. Emotions drive unhappiness. Emotions just don’t get us on the same path.

Some people think pre-marital counseling is a sign that a relationship is doomed to fail, but Shelley sees it differently.

“That’s the best thing you can do,” she says. “Would you build a house on a rocky foundation? No, you want to build a house on a solid foundation and it’s similar with a marriage or relationship.”

“By the way, this is probably one of your most significant relationships in your life,” she notes. “The sooner people come in, the better. I liken it to a manufacturing process. If you’re building a car, if you just have a few parts and you realize that there’s some tweaking you need to do on the parts, it’s more efficient and cheaper to fix it at the beginning than build the whole car, turn on the ignition and it doesn’t run.”

“The sooner you notice a breakdown in the relationship, or not even a breakdown but you’re starting to disconnect, the easier it is to repair it.”
Shelley works with clients of all ages in private practice. We’re both affiliated with the Women’s Divorce Resource Center, and we’ve spoken together at workshops to help women through the process of divorce. We’re also both board members.

In talking with Shelley, I’ve learned a lot about why relationships breakdown. Of course, as a family law attorney, I help them with the aftermath and the what-comes-next. But Shelley tries to help them prevent the need for a divorce attorney.

“Some of the issues I find are number one, people are often way too late in coming in to get help,” says Shelley. “Because if a person is done, we’re not doing marriage therapy anymore. Of course I can help you separate in the best possible way to do the least amount of damage to your children, but at that point it’s divorce counseling. Marriage counseling is two willing participants who are intending to repair a disconnected relationship.”

What are the biggest issues challenging relationships today?

“It’s all about connection,” says Shelley. “As much as technology can be, when used appropriately, very beneficial in our society, the other side of that is that technology can also be used in ways that are not as productive for a connected relationship. We’ve all seen people who are out at a restaurant or a bar and instead of connecting with the person they’re sitting across from, they’re on their phone texting somebody else. Maybe they’re checking their Facebook page.”

“The best relationships are the ones that are connected,” she adds. “When you start looking at a machine instead of the person in front of you, that over time creates distance and really affects people.”

“It’s all about connection,” says Shelley. “As much as technology can be, when used appropriately, very beneficial in our society, the other side of that is that technology can also be used in ways that are not as productive for a connected relationship. We’ve all seen people who are out at a restaurant or a bar and instead of connecting with the person they’re sitting across from, they’re on their phone texting somebody else. Maybe they’re checking their Facebook page.”

“The best relationships are the ones that are connected,” she adds. “When you start looking at a machine instead of the person in front of you, that over time creates distance and really affects people.”

The way to stay on the straight and narrow in your relationship, and stay together, says Shelley, is to have at least three times a week where you are together – make one of them a logistics meeting to figure out all the shared obligations and events, but reserve another for connection where you check in and measure the relationship.
“Shut off distractions and look at each other and say, ‘Where are we at and how connected are we with each other,’” says Shelley.

The third meeting should be something fun, she says, like a date night, or a walk and talk, or something like that. “Ideally, this should be daily,” says Shelley.

“There’s a saying, ‘You should never stop dating your spouse or partner.’ Sometimes we get really complacent and our lives are so busy and it’s easy to say we don’t have time. Sometimes people don’t think it’s a necessity but over time that impacts the connection. Whether in a committed relationship or just dating or married, usually most people got together in the first place because they had fun together.”

Learn more about Shelley’s practice: Shelley Acierno-Chari, LMFT, MBA, based in Birmingham, private practice, www.birmingham-mi-therapist.com– 248-952-8332