When people divorce, they are often so muddled, they can’t figure out how to succeed at coparenting. But here are some tips for how to set yourself – and your ex – on the path for success because your kids deserve it.
Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash
Be kind.
Take 24 hours to cool down before you react to something that pisses you off.
Close your eyes and consider how you want to experience your child’s wedding, graduation or other significant event in the future – how do you want that to feel and look, for your child?
Do you think they want to remember parents fighting or sitting on opposite sides of the auditorium? Or would they want you to be sitting together in the same section?
Photo by Alexander Dummer on Unsplash
At the same time, respect each other’s boundaries. Don’t take your co-parent’s desire to be friendly as an invitation to be friends.
Friendly means you can work together – it doesn’t mean I want to have family dinner all the time, or when you drop off the kids, I’m inviting you in.
Enjoy your down time, your time away from your kids. Don’t see it as a punishment. Don’t call them all the time to check up on them. See it as a gift you’re giving to your kids.
And to yourself.
Accept that your coparent isn’t going to do everything the same way you do. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong or bad.
Obviously, there are cases where it is wrong AND bad, but that should not be your first assumption.
Newly divorced moms especially have a hard time when they’re not seeing their kids everyday. It’s helpful in those cases, and can lead to a good coparenting relationship, if the parent who’s not feeling that way can understand their ex’s emotions, and gives them time to ease into the new routine.
Photo by Joice Kelly on Unsplash
Be as gracious to your ex as you want them to be to you.
There are no universal rules for good coparenting, for a parenting schedule, for how to coparent. Nothing is black and white.
Coparenting success is particular to every situation, life experience, emotion and family. That’s why a law that dictates automatic 50/50 parenting time is a terrible idea. It doesn’t take into account the human side of what you’re going through.
It’s nice when you acknowledge the other side. Remind the kinds of their other parent’s birthday or their other family’s special occasions. Even spring for a gift so your child doesn’t have to count their pennies to buy a gift. It’s not only gracious – it’s a teaching moment for your kids, too.
Don’t fret the little things. If money has been an issue between the two of you, paying bills and expenses for the kids, and you have a $3 copay at the pediatrician’s office, do you really have to ask for that $1.50?
Be comfortable with what you want to do. Don’t expect there to be equity on the other side.
Co-Parenting vs. Parallel Parenting – Which Is Best?
I am really big on the idea of co-parenting and I use that word a lot as I’m sure other family law attorneys do.
But recently, a Friend Of The Court referee told me that not everyone can co-parent and it is fine to “parallel” parent. This got me thinking about my word choice and what it means to me.
When I use the word “co-parenting,” my intention is that parents can get along for the purpose of their children – not that they do everything the same.
There should be a level of cooperation between parents, whether that means flexibility so children can attend special events with the other parent on one parent’s parenting time, or agreeing on extracurricular activities.
Those are some examples of quality co-parenting. Others might include striving to have some of the same house rules – the same bedtime or the same ideas about food and snacks. Of course, it’s unlikely that divorced parents are going to do things together or even necessarily in the same way.
But similar overall structure for your kids is important because it sends a message of consistency. I know this is hard. In a divorce, obviously, you ended your marriage because it no longer worked. You did not want to be together. Perhaps you could not get along.
So how can anyone expect divorced parents to be in agreement on how to raise their children?
The thing is, all of this is a choice. We choose to divorce, and we chose to become parents. We do not stop being parents when the marriage ends, and it is wholly unfair to the children – and sometimes even damaging – to throw innocent children into the chaos of emotional decisions and acting out by adults who are trying to start over. I really don’t think it’s asking too much to have some meeting of the minds of what children need.
Now I am going to contradict everything written above to acknowledge that there is also a school of thought that parents are never going to get along, even when they are married. They will always do different things with their children, even when they stay together and remain in a loving relationship.
They might teach their kids different things – one might do homework with them in the morning while one leans toward evening. Over the past year, I’ve seen parents who have different perspectives on COVID-related questions – one parent thinks it’s ok to have a pod of friends over or that the child plays with outside, but the other parent does not believe that’s wise.
Frankly, in neither situation might the children be harmed, but the risk may go beyond the children to the other parent, grandparents or other caregivers who also spend time with the children. It becomes complicated during these interesting times.
Generally, even when parents don’t agree, when they engage in what is called parallel parenting, they still do what they believe is in their children’s best interests. It is more difficult to look beyond their own inner circle.
I just believe the ideal to strive for is co-parenting. Then that “inner circle,” is more inclusive and encompassing, and does consider the effect their decision may have on the other parent and his ability to parent their children.
In the end, we must remember that even if you stayed married to the other parent, you would not have been in complete unison. We have different styles. A relationship is comprised of two individual people who bring different perspectives and inclinations to the partnership.
It can be as simple as how you give a child a bath. One parent lets the child wash his hair himself while the other parent sees it as great bonding time and massages the shampoo into the child’s hair. Either way, the child still gets clean; and each parent has their own individual experience building their own relationship with the child.
One reason I like Collaborative Divorce so much is that we begin the divorce case with an ideal outcome in mind.
Usually, the divorcing parties want to be collegial and, if they are parents, work together once their marriage is legally over.
With these goals, you make decisions to get there. Often, you don’t want acrimonious opposition or endless arguments because the working-together part won’t happen easily.
Instead, you take steps toward divorce that include listening to the other side, considering a variety of options, and having conversations with an open mind.
It helps that in a Collaborative Divorce, you’re not just supported by a divorce lawyer – you also have the benefit of a financial planner, a divorce coach, and/or a child specialist who come together as your team to help reach your desired outcome.
Whether or not you choose a Collaborative path to divorce, you can begin with the outcome in mind.
If you want easy co-parenting, try to hear the other parent’s desire for time with the children. View other details of custody and parenting time arrangements with that goal in mind.
If you love the house and want to remain in it, consider what the other party might want in exchange for giving you the house.
If you like to vacation Up North every summer for a month, be prepared to give your ex-spouse a month of vacation with the children, too.
Divorcing with the end in mind keeps you on track to negotiate with intellect rather than letting emotions drive the process.
It’s easy to let hurt, anger, resentment and long-held feelings of dissatisfaction cloud judgment – but doing so does not usually lead to a positive next phase of life.
Think big picture.
Think about the tone you want to set for your children. Think about the good times – there had to be some! – and honor and respect the good memories to help you part ways in a good light.
The Effect of Divorce on Adolescent-Parent Communication
Recently, I came across a fascinating article by Canadian mental health advocate and Huffington Post writer Patricia Tomasi and felt compelled to write to her about this concept of whether teens whose parents divorce are affected in the ways that they communicate with their parents. (There’s lots of great research in the article, so check it out!)
I wrote to Patricia, and I am awaiting her response. I’ll include it in a future blog when I hear from her.
In a nutshell, the research suggests that post-divorce, especially daughters experience difficulty communicating with their fathers. This makes sense to me, and here’s why.
Fathers often rely on mothers to serve as buffers between them and the children. In a two-parent home, fathers often spend less time with the children, or take less time to understand their children on a personal level, relying on their wives to do that important work for them.
It’s a problem, definitely! And especially when research reveals that children often unconsciously learn how to have relationships based on the relationship they have with their opposite sex parent. So if a daughter has trouble talking with her dad post-divorce, this can have immense repercussions on a variety of levels.
In our society, many men still discount what women and girls have to say, which inspires a trickle-down effect that fathers may play out unknowingly with their daughters. Discounting feelings, not considering a daughter’s needs that may be different from their own, and other unconscious behaviors create long-term negative effects – which become glaring when the buffer of a mother’s love and understanding are removed from the family relationship.
It’s become more common to aim for equal parenting time for mothers and fathers in divorces, and I’m happy to see many fathers stepping up, becoming more involved and more attentive post-divorce when it’s all on them.
There are many fathers, however, who continue with the status quo, and if children are with them half the time, that’s a problem.
I’d love it if we could have automatic reviews of the parenting time schedule, like we do with child support. In Michigan, every three years, the Friend of the Court reviews the child support amounts at no cost to the parents, and makes adjustments as needed.
However, if a parent wants to change parenting time, and the other parent does not agree, they must file a motion with the court and meet difficult legal standards.
It’s a costly, arduous process which most often yields no change, and pits parents against one another in an adversarial process. That ill will does not help the co-parenting relationship, and it does children a disservice.
Ultimately, I believe divorce should be an ever-evolving situation where we take stock and amend the parameters on a regular basis for everyone’s benefit. That way, children and adolescents can ease into new relationships with both parents at a pace that is measured, reasonable and comfortable for them.
We want children to have good, healthy, communicative relationships with both parents. What is the best way we can assure this happens?
Parenting in its ideal form should be about creating a joyful childhood for your offspring, plain and simple. That way, they have a solid foundation from which to spring into adulthood and become high-functioning, happy contributors to our world.
Whether you remain married to your children’s other parent or not, you can achieve this. It becomes easier, of course, if you have a plan and a vision for what you intend to do as a parent.
Parenting is not about putting your hopes and dreams onto your child or forcing them into your definition of smart, successful, or happy. It’s about seeing each child for who he or she is, and guiding them toward their best future.
When we have a joyful childhood, we can easily transition through the phases of growing up and enter adulthood content, complete, and confident. We have a better world when we are surrounded by these kinds of adults – not the broken, yearning ones.
As an adult, I often try to get back to when I was a child, to my truth, my core, to enjoy life so much more. As children, we know inherently who we are. We are true to that.
We don’t worry or ruminate over decisions or paths. We just go and live and do.
As we grow older and become adults, we lose that. As parents, we are trying to raise functioning adults so let’s create joyful childhoods for them so we can achieve that goal!
That way, when they are adults, they can reach back into where they started and pull out some joyful memories to anchor them through tough times.
If you’re a divorce parent, see if you can get your co-parent to be on the same page with you about this. After all, it’s not about hurt feelings and who-left-whom. It’s about banding together to do what is best and right for your children.
Remember, as co-parents, your job is to come together to provide the best, healthiest, supportive foundation for your children. It’s about them, not about you. If you can keep that guiding truth in front of you, you’ll do just fine – by them, and by you.
