With Mother’s Day just past, and Father’s Day coming up in June, I’ve been thinking a lot about what “equal parenting time” even means with regard to divorce.
Recently, I was preparing an opening statement for a case, and the phrase, “equal parents” came up. As a divorce mediator and attorney, I’m in the business of helping couples figure out how to co-parent effectively.
Many come to the table requesting “equal” parenting time, but many don’t think this through or consider if it is really possible with their work schedule, lifestyle, and what they value most.
More importantly, I wondered, does “equal parenting time” mean “equal” parents, and what is an “equal” parent?
The Marriage Often Determines the Divorce
When a couple is married, I doubt many worry about whether they are “equally” parenting their children. There is often a synergy, a symbiosis—you do one thing, I’ll do another, together we manage our lives, and our children receive what they need from both of us.
In most marriages, there is also often a division of labor, one parent very often is the one scheduling doctor appointments and haircuts, either because they are more organized or have a more flexible work schedule to be able to make the time and take the children to appointments. It’s rare that both parents volunteer at a child’s school or that both parents coach the child’s softball team.
Sometimes, both partners work from home and have the same degree of flexibility, but more often, one parent enjoys certain aspects of parenting while the other parent prefers other activities, and it just works out.
When you’re married, it works. But what happens when you get divorced?
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
Too many times, I’ve heard divorcing couples argue in court, accusing one another that they are not up to the task of an aspect of parenting. Often, divorcing couples make the case that one parent should have more time with the kids because they “do more” for them.
It sort of breaks my heart, if I’m honest.
I mean, why do we have to do everything the same? Who says both parents should be involved equally in the same way and in the same things?
Doing so does not guarantee equal closeness with the kids or equal amounts of love. And, if this is our mindset, what are we missing that the other parent is giving to the child—outside of scheduling appointments and volunteering during the school day?
Each child has their own relationship with each parent. Some are closer to Mom, some to Dad, most to both equally and likely in different ways. They might look to each parent for different things and feel that closeness based on an activity or what is happening in their lives at the time. It really varies based on age, personality, birth order, interests and activities, and so many other things.
Often, parents’ underlying conflicts are driven by their own emotions. There is a lot of psychology that is helpful to understand and that can provide insight . . . if a parent is willing to go there.
Photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash
Too often, these arguments in court revolve more around the parents’ insecurities, or a need to take charge in a situation that has spiraled out of control for both partners.
This is why it’s so sad—because the children are the ones who pay the price.
Most attorneys don’t talk with clients about what they understand “equal parenting time” to mean. It’s even more unusual for parents to have this discussion together because most people think divorce has to be an adversarial process, which is not always true!
The division of labor with regard to your children that exists during your marriage will likely continue when you’re divorced. One person may work more, while the other person will manage the kids more. If you want a different arrangement, you need to talk about it. And be realistic about what is possible for both of you.
This is a conversation divorce mediators and lawyers need to start having with their clients during the divorce process when talking about parenting time!
I do talk with my clients about parenting time responsibilities, exploring what they’ve looked like during the marriage and what they want them to look like post-divorce. All of this helps to build realistic expectations on both sides.
And I think we do need to be realistic, setting emotions and the urge to compete aside for the best interests of the children.
Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash
I hope doing so will reduce conflict later and make people more comfortable about their parenting time arrangement.
When the concept of “equal” parenting time first started to gain popularity, most people only looked at the amount of time each parent was assigned—not the responsibilities inherent in that time.
I would say to my mostly male clients at that time, “You need to understand what this means. If your child is sick, you stay home from work. You can’t call Mom to stay home with him, even if she’s not working. You are responsible for your children from the time the kids get dropped off to school until your parenting time ends.”
Back then, a lot of dads were not used to that. Many still aren’t, though this is changing. Now, I ask both moms and dads what “equal parenting time” means to them, so the outcome suits their family and their situation.
Regardless, when faced with changing up child-related responsibilities after divorce, it helps if shifts are made over time. Both parents need time to get used to the new way of doing things, as do the kids.
And, if you think you want equal parenting time, think long and hard about what that means to you.
Does it extend beyond the amount of time? Are you willing to give up some control?
Are you willing to adjust your work schedule to accommodate your children’s needs? Or are you just worried about losing connection to your kids, or feeling competitive with your ex?
These are all fair (and excellent) questions to ask so that the popular and standard lingo of “equal parenting time” in your parenting time agreement actually matches both parents’ intentions and real abilities.
There is no right way to determine parenting time in a divorce. Even the amount of time each parent gets with their children varies from case to case. Though it is based on statute, parenting time in divorce is still subjectively decided, negotiated and specific to the family in question.
And just when we think we know how it’s going to go, new details and circumstances introduce curve balls.
For instance, many divorce agreements stipulate that the mother always enjoys parenting time with the children on Mother’s Day and the father always has the children on Father’s Day, but what happens when it’s a same-sex couple splitting up?
Likewise, some parents want their children with them on their birthday, while others could care less. Same goes for the children’s birthdays. Many couples let the birthdays fall where they may on the calendar and celebrate with their children on the closest day to the child’s birthday.
When it comes to holidays, every family has their own traditions. Some divide Christmas Eve and Christmas Day or alternate year to year, while others pick the one that resonates most with their traditions.
At Transitions Legal, we advise clients to articulate their priorities and values in advance of filing for divorce, so that information can guide the details and outcomes of their split. We rely on the Our Family in Two Homes resource to guide clients in outlining what matters to them before divorcing – which can help determine parenting time, too. In the same way, we recommend that divorcing parents think long and hard about what is reasonable and realistic in the way they’ll map out their parenting time.
And, we remind them that parenting time is about the children – not about the parents — what’s best for the kids, not a competition between the parents for more time or to be the favorite.
Children – all people, really – crave routine and structure, so changing up the schedule too often can be unsettling for everyone. It’s important to mark special times in unique ways but not at the expense of your children’s comfort.
We often tell clients to let go of the way things used to be and create new rituals, practices and routines post-divorce. Doing so can help the children ease into their new normal, and also help parents be OK with a different kind of family life than they might have imagined.
Make the goal of parenting time a meaningful connection with your children – no matter what you’re doing or what day it is or how many days you have together. They’ll remember that you spent time together more than how many hours they had with you.
Divorce strategies, or how we approach divorce, develop from listening to the client, understanding their needs and desires, and looking at the law. Once we know the needs of the family, we can decide in which direction to move.
When it comes to divorce strategy, at Transitions Legal, we consider whether Mediation, Litigation or Collaborative Divorce will best serve the client. I prefer to leave Litigation for last, as it offers the least control to the attorneys and the clients.
Sometimes the strategy depends on factors outside my control, like which attorney my client’s spouse chooses. If it’s a difficult, litigious lawyer, then we are likely to land in court before a judge and have a pretty acrimonious and costly path.
That affects my strategies in terms of cooperation and communication. I might be more guarded if I know the other attorney makes everything difficult or won’t easily share information. That’s a strategic decision.
Nonetheless, I prefer to have control over how we will go forward. I like to have choices to present to my clients, let them decide which way best serves their needs and goals.
Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash
I love when the other attorney is cooperative, and we know and trust each other. Then, we’re going to be more open and collegial, not question every move and tactic.
If having the kids more time is important to a client, then I think strategically about how to frame everything in terms of Parenting Time and Custody so that it serves the children through this transition.
Even in the Collaborative context, a process strategy might be, ok well I think I’m going to guide you more to talk with the divorce coach about your needs and desires.
Strategy depends on a lot of factors – the client’s needs and values, the opposing counsel, the type of case, the law, and more.
Photo by freestocks on Unsplash
Even background, details-while-married, factor into the divorce strategies. For instance, if you suspect your spouse is having an affair, that will likely drive the case. Once I have a full picture, I can recommend the strategy that will best serve a client. Then, we have options.
We can strategize where to put a client’s money – investigator or therapy? For instance, if your spouse spent a lot of time away from the family, leaving you alone to manage your children and the household – were they having an affair?
Investigating an affair is usually only important if the spouse spent time away from family, lying, when they were needed to help with the children, or were with the other person while also being with their children or they spent marital funds on this other person.
Divorce strategies weigh and measure what to spend our time, and resources, on. So perhaps my client is better off spending money on individual therapy rather than a PI so they can get stronger and healthier by dealing with their own emotions as they transition to their new phase of life. All of these details inform how we will move forward. And this is just one example of many!
And it really does differ from client to client. At Transitions Legal, we focus on serving our clients’ needs toward their best outcome. We do not believe in a one-size-fits-all approach to practicing family law. We innovate based on listening to our clients, understanding their values, and applying information to inform our divorce strategy.
We are in the height of summer, and I hope my clients are feeling good and being flexible with their Parenting Time arrangements.
I’m not saying divorced parents should throw out the parameters they established for co-parenting. I’m saying that when kids are out of school, some attending camp, others at home during the day, it’s important to be “giving” with your ex so that Parenting Time can flow with your children’s schedule changes.
If we look at Parenting Time as “the kids’ time” and are not possessive of our children’s time, it can be easier to just let it flow with their schedules.
Think about if you were still married – you would take into account that your kids go to camp, or have a job, or have another out-of-the-ordinary schedule and you would try to balance the time that they’re home so that you can enjoy them as their schedules allow.
Summer is also a good time to try a different schedule. For instance, if you’re thinking of moving toward a more equal parenting time schedule, it’s better for your children if you and their co-parent can try it out during the summer months to see how your children adjust rather than doing so for the first time at the beginning of the school year.
Photo by Valeria Zoncoll on Unsplash
Just letting it flow in the summer means parents can plan some good down time when the kids are not bound by school and extracurricular demands. That doesn’t mean they have to go away on a vacation; it’s an opportunity to spend more time with them, if you can arrange it with work schedules, doing fun things, creating memories.
As a working mom, I found summers stressful because I had to find activities for my daughters when they were young, schedule camps they would enjoy and find caregivers. There were hours during the day I needed to be at work and my husband’s schedule was not flexible, so it was important to plan ahead and to be organized because my job doesn’t take a summer vacation!
Imagine how much harder that can be when you’re divorced!
A good child therapist or family law attorney might have ideas and resources to help you through this. In my role as a divorce attorney, I don’t limit myself to the law. If I can help parents with ideas for summer camps based on my own experiences, I do so! Sometimes working parents don’t have resources to help them navigate the summer months, and we as attorneys and professionals can be that resource because we’ve had experiences, both professionally and personally.
Either way, if you can be looser in the summer to allow some flexibility for your children, do it. You won’t be sorry!
For the longest time, mothers got custody automatically. But now, in an effort to correct a perceived injustice against men, courts and law firms alike are focusing on dads, circulating legislation to establish mandatory equal parenting time motivated by dads groups.
It’s like a pendulum swinging from one extreme to the other, and I hope to eventually see it settle in some middle ground with the focus solely on what is best for the children.
This change began when I started my career in family law in the early 1990s. I cannot remember a case where it was an automatic win for the mom. Yes, moms were still favored, but it wasn’t automatic.
Over the last 20 years, it’s really intensified, as newly-elected judges brought their perspectives on the idea of parenting time to the bench. Sometimes it feels like it doesn’t matter what the law says.
You can walk into one judge’s courtroom and know that they are a “50/50 judge,” which means they start from an assumption of equal parenting time and if you want it to be something different, you better show a good reason why. It is really difficult to get them to move.
Litigation in such a courtroom is quite challenging when you know there is a good reason to skew the amount of time children spend with one parent or another, or even just where they will lay their heads at night. Sometimes it’s as simple as the roles parents played while they were married. You can’t draw a sharp line in the sand when you split, making everything change immediately.
Photo by Larry Crayton on Unsplash
When one parent has been the primary caregiver, it’s uncomfortable not only for the parent but for the children, to suddenly be ousted from their job or role and the whole family thrown into a very different routine.
It’s challenging, too, for the non-primary caregiver, who may have no idea about a lot of what goes into taking care of a toddler or school schedules or carpooling and they’re forced to step into a very different role without guidance or transition. They may be too proud to ask for help.
A divorce is often not the most collegial of processes, which means parents on both sides may feel uncomfortable asking the other for guidance in their new role. Which is exactly what they need.
When you get into court, you’re positioned against each other so instead of recognizing these natural human elements, it becomes a fight, where they won’t talk about or look at options.
If we want to move towards promoting more equal parenting time, then depending on the real life situation, it may be best to move toward that point in stages.
That way, it’s less disruptive for the children, while giving time for both parents to transition into new roles.
Photo by Edi Libedinsky on Unsplash
Depending on the ages of the kids, I recommend giving six months or a year to make a change, giving both parents space to learn about their new role. The kids also can gradually transition into the changes.
In the divorce world, most attorneys fail to and some even refuse to talk about the impact of all of this. The focus is instead on the outcome . I wish we recognized how kids bear the brunt of adult decisions. For instance, they’re the ones shuffling back and forth between two homes – not the adults who initiated the divorce!
I yearn for a time when divorcing parents can put their hurt and anger aside in exchange for a focus on their children, who didn’t ask for any of this. This means not just talking the talk, but showing it by the compromises and agreements they make. Parenting time must be about the children – not about the parents!!
I prefer to look at parenting time as the parent’s opportunity to spend time with that child, on the child’s schedule. Whether you’re a mom or a dad, you can and should be more involved in school, spend more time with your children doing things of interest to them, and cherish this time, even if it’s not an overnight.
It takes humility on both parents’ parts to recognize their strengths and weaknesses, and cooperation to work together, but in this model the focus is completely on the children. Which is how it should be.
At 
