What Does Equal Parenting Even Mean?
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With Mother’s Day just past, and Father’s Day coming up in June, I’ve been thinking a lot about what “equal parenting time” even means with regard to divorce.
Recently, I was preparing an opening statement for a case, and the phrase, “equal parents” came up. As a divorce mediator and attorney, I’m in the business of helping couples figure out how to co-parent effectively.
Many come to the table requesting “equal” parenting time, but many don’t think this through or consider if it is really possible with their work schedule, lifestyle, and what they value most.
More importantly, I wondered, does “equal parenting time” mean “equal” parents, and what is an “equal” parent?
The Marriage Often Determines the Divorce
When a couple is married, I doubt many worry about whether they are “equally” parenting their children. There is often a synergy, a symbiosis—you do one thing, I’ll do another, together we manage our lives, and our children receive what they need from both of us.
In most marriages, there is also often a division of labor, one parent very often is the one scheduling doctor appointments and haircuts, either because they are more organized or have a more flexible work schedule to be able to make the time and take the children to appointments. It’s rare that both parents volunteer at a child’s school or that both parents coach the child’s softball team.
Sometimes, both partners work from home and have the same degree of flexibility, but more often, one parent enjoys certain aspects of parenting while the other parent prefers other activities, and it just works out.
When you’re married, it works. But what happens when you get divorced?
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Too many times, I’ve heard divorcing couples argue in court, accusing one another that they are not up to the task of an aspect of parenting. Often, divorcing couples make the case that one parent should have more time with the kids because they “do more” for them.
It sort of breaks my heart, if I’m honest.
I mean, why do we have to do everything the same? Who says both parents should be involved equally in the same way and in the same things?
Doing so does not guarantee equal closeness with the kids or equal amounts of love. And, if this is our mindset, what are we missing that the other parent is giving to the child—outside of scheduling appointments and volunteering during the school day?
Each child has their own relationship with each parent. Some are closer to Mom, some to Dad, most to both equally and likely in different ways. They might look to each parent for different things and feel that closeness based on an activity or what is happening in their lives at the time. It really varies based on age, personality, birth order, interests and activities, and so many other things.
Often, parents’ underlying conflicts are driven by their own emotions. There is a lot of psychology that is helpful to understand and that can provide insight . . . if a parent is willing to go there.
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Too often, these arguments in court revolve more around the parents’ insecurities, or a need to take charge in a situation that has spiraled out of control for both partners.
This is why it’s so sad—because the children are the ones who pay the price.
Most attorneys don’t talk with clients about what they understand “equal parenting time” to mean. It’s even more unusual for parents to have this discussion together because most people think divorce has to be an adversarial process, which is not always true!
The division of labor with regard to your children that exists during your marriage will likely continue when you’re divorced. One person may work more, while the other person will manage the kids more. If you want a different arrangement, you need to talk about it. And be realistic about what is possible for both of you.
This is a conversation divorce mediators and lawyers need to start having with their clients during the divorce process when talking about parenting time!
I do talk with my clients about parenting time responsibilities, exploring what they’ve looked like during the marriage and what they want them to look like post-divorce. All of this helps to build realistic expectations on both sides.
And I think we do need to be realistic, setting emotions and the urge to compete aside for the best interests of the children.
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I hope doing so will reduce conflict later and make people more comfortable about their parenting time arrangement.
When the concept of “equal” parenting time first started to gain popularity, most people only looked at the amount of time each parent was assigned—not the responsibilities inherent in that time.
I would say to my mostly male clients at that time, “You need to understand what this means. If your child is sick, you stay home from work. You can’t call Mom to stay home with him, even if she’s not working. You are responsible for your children from the time the kids get dropped off to school until your parenting time ends.”
Back then, a lot of dads were not used to that. Many still aren’t, though this is changing. Now, I ask both moms and dads what “equal parenting time” means to them, so the outcome suits their family and their situation.
Regardless, when faced with changing up child-related responsibilities after divorce, it helps if shifts are made over time. Both parents need time to get used to the new way of doing things, as do the kids.
And, if you think you want equal parenting time, think long and hard about what that means to you.
Does it extend beyond the amount of time? Are you willing to give up some control?
Are you willing to adjust your work schedule to accommodate your children’s needs? Or are you just worried about losing connection to your kids, or feeling competitive with your ex?
These are all fair (and excellent) questions to ask so that the popular and standard lingo of “equal parenting time” in your parenting time agreement actually matches both parents’ intentions and real abilities.