It comes every year, back-to-school madness, with frantic shopping trips for school supplies, backpacks, and new clothes. But for divorced parents, this time can be fraught for very different reasons.
Even in the 21st century, schools and teachers aren’t always sensitive to a child’s real-life situations. And they should be.
Sometimes, it’s the parents’ fault, as one pits against the other, or excludes their former spouse from important school communications. As a Collaborative Divorce attorney and Mediator guiding clients in alternative dispute resolution so they can avoid combative litigation and stay out of court, I am a big advocate of creating a team for your child in the best way possible.
Schools and teachers should remain neutral and support their students. And parents should work together to be a united front for their children, even after a marriage has ended.
It is possible, you know. Tension and stress do not have to be the norm in divorced families! That’s why I practice the way I do, offering couples alternative ways to end a marriage, so they can move on in their lives and their family with respect, dignity, and grace.
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It Starts With Focusing On Your Child
When their child is the focus, parents make better decisions. It’s not about your hurt feelings or resentments; it’s about the children.
Starting a new school year is a time of anxiety and also excitement for children. They have new teachers, possibly new friends, and new challenging classes to advance their education. All of this should be what divorced parents focus on!
Still, it’s important for teachers to be aware of a child’s home situation. So, let them know—while copying your former spouse on the email—what’s going on and what home life your child experiences, so teachers can understand the full picture.
Teachers are generally compassionate people who care a lot about children. After all, they’ve devoted their careers to teaching!! So consider them your family’s ally, and help them to support your child in ideal ways—by keeping both parents in the communication loop.
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If custody battles are still raging, let the teacher know this. Children don’t learn in a bubble. They bring to school whatever worries or tensions they experience at home, and that can impact their ability to learn.
Teachers should never take sides, and parents shouldn’t try to make them do so. If they have concerns, they should reach out to both parents. And both parents should respond in dignified and concerned ways, keeping their child as the focal point of the conversation.
These days, teachers are usually overworked and underpaid. They’re so busy that they should not have to add to their burden of responsibility navigating a tense family situation.
And don’t suffer in silence. It helps your child for their teacher to understand the full landscape of their life.
Learning to Do Divorce Well
I’ve started to work with clients to include an “ACED” provision in their divorce agreement which is intended to practically and meaningfully define how parents will Address, Change & Engage in Disagreement. This is part of my Conscious Contract training—creating provisions that support cooperation and resilience rather than defaulting to escalation.
An “ACED” provision will always be unique to the family. It is built off of what they have shared as their values, and what is most important to them, which guides their decision-making.
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It takes time to succeed at divorce. I know that sounds funny, but it is a transition from one way of living to another.
Emotions accompany any life transition, and you will mourn the loss while celebrating this new phase. If you need support, find a therapist or support group or talk to a friend who understands.
In time, you’ll learn how to respectfully communicate with your ex for the benefit and well-being of your children. You both want this. You’d do it if you were still married. So set aside your hurt and emotions to be there for your child in the way they need you to be.
If you find it difficult to include your ex in educational endeavors related to the children, it might be a good idea to go together to a Mediator and discuss ways to share information and divide responsibilities.
Just like marriage, divorce changes over time as we grow and evolve. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help at different stages of your divorce so that you can do this well!
Whatever you do or feel, if you can keep your child’s school success as your shared motivation, it will help guide you in healthy and communicative directions.
With Mother’s Day just past, and Father’s Day coming up in June, I’ve been thinking a lot about what “equal parenting time” even means with regard to divorce.
Recently, I was preparing an opening statement for a case, and the phrase, “equal parents” came up. As a divorce mediator and attorney, I’m in the business of helping couples figure out how to co-parent effectively.
Many come to the table requesting “equal” parenting time, but many don’t think this through or consider if it is really possible with their work schedule, lifestyle, and what they value most.
More importantly, I wondered, does “equal parenting time” mean “equal” parents, and what is an “equal” parent?
The Marriage Often Determines the Divorce
When a couple is married, I doubt many worry about whether they are “equally” parenting their children. There is often a synergy, a symbiosis—you do one thing, I’ll do another, together we manage our lives, and our children receive what they need from both of us.
In most marriages, there is also often a division of labor, one parent very often is the one scheduling doctor appointments and haircuts, either because they are more organized or have a more flexible work schedule to be able to make the time and take the children to appointments. It’s rare that both parents volunteer at a child’s school or that both parents coach the child’s softball team.
Sometimes, both partners work from home and have the same degree of flexibility, but more often, one parent enjoys certain aspects of parenting while the other parent prefers other activities, and it just works out.
When you’re married, it works. But what happens when you get divorced?
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Too many times, I’ve heard divorcing couples argue in court, accusing one another that they are not up to the task of an aspect of parenting. Often, divorcing couples make the case that one parent should have more time with the kids because they “do more” for them.
It sort of breaks my heart, if I’m honest.
I mean, why do we have to do everything the same? Who says both parents should be involved equally in the same way and in the same things?
Doing so does not guarantee equal closeness with the kids or equal amounts of love. And, if this is our mindset, what are we missing that the other parent is giving to the child—outside of scheduling appointments and volunteering during the school day?
Each child has their own relationship with each parent. Some are closer to Mom, some to Dad, most to both equally and likely in different ways. They might look to each parent for different things and feel that closeness based on an activity or what is happening in their lives at the time. It really varies based on age, personality, birth order, interests and activities, and so many other things.
Often, parents’ underlying conflicts are driven by their own emotions. There is a lot of psychology that is helpful to understand and that can provide insight . . . if a parent is willing to go there.
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Too often, these arguments in court revolve more around the parents’ insecurities, or a need to take charge in a situation that has spiraled out of control for both partners.
This is why it’s so sad—because the children are the ones who pay the price.
Most attorneys don’t talk with clients about what they understand “equal parenting time” to mean. It’s even more unusual for parents to have this discussion together because most people think divorce has to be an adversarial process, which is not always true!
The division of labor with regard to your children that exists during your marriage will likely continue when you’re divorced. One person may work more, while the other person will manage the kids more. If you want a different arrangement, you need to talk about it. And be realistic about what is possible for both of you.
This is a conversation divorce mediators and lawyers need to start having with their clients during the divorce process when talking about parenting time!
I do talk with my clients about parenting time responsibilities, exploring what they’ve looked like during the marriage and what they want them to look like post-divorce. All of this helps to build realistic expectations on both sides.
And I think we do need to be realistic, setting emotions and the urge to compete aside for the best interests of the children.
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I hope doing so will reduce conflict later and make people more comfortable about their parenting time arrangement.
When the concept of “equal” parenting time first started to gain popularity, most people only looked at the amount of time each parent was assigned—not the responsibilities inherent in that time.
I would say to my mostly male clients at that time, “You need to understand what this means. If your child is sick, you stay home from work. You can’t call Mom to stay home with him, even if she’s not working. You are responsible for your children from the time the kids get dropped off to school until your parenting time ends.”
Back then, a lot of dads were not used to that. Many still aren’t, though this is changing. Now, I ask both moms and dads what “equal parenting time” means to them, so the outcome suits their family and their situation.
Regardless, when faced with changing up child-related responsibilities after divorce, it helps if shifts are made over time. Both parents need time to get used to the new way of doing things, as do the kids.
And, if you think you want equal parenting time, think long and hard about what that means to you.
Does it extend beyond the amount of time? Are you willing to give up some control?
Are you willing to adjust your work schedule to accommodate your children’s needs? Or are you just worried about losing connection to your kids, or feeling competitive with your ex?
These are all fair (and excellent) questions to ask so that the popular and standard lingo of “equal parenting time” in your parenting time agreement actually matches both parents’ intentions and real abilities.
This antiracism work is so important, now more than ever, as America moves toward finally and completely changing the racial equity landscape once and for all (I hope).
Dr. Campt teaches about how we can address racial bias in our work. He speaks about learning to talk across divides, how to manage conversations and ways to practically engage in conversation so we all learn how to do this better.
As a mediator in addition to being a family law attorney, I am always looking for ways to better manage and guide constructive conversations that lead to outcomes that benefit all involved.
Fully owning my white privilege, I looked at Dr. Campt’s White Ally Toolkit (find it here).
It isn’t enough to be inclusive; we must be actively anti-racist, taking steps to become aware and living as examples of what it means to be truly anti-racist. This is an imperative that we must fulfill in our professional and personal lives!
Some tips Dr. Campt offers for working toward effective anti-racism include the following:
Dr. Campt says that an overriding goal in combating racism should be “facilitating opinion change.” He says to be very clear on what you want to accomplish from the outset, and let it guide your actions.
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Cultivate Mindful Courage
With antiracism in mind, Dr. Campt emphasizes the need to be calm and centered before you take action. That means releasing anger and allowing yourself to take a moment during an interaction to calm yourself before continuing.
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Cultivate Curiosity
Ask questions – don’t lecture people on their wrong views. The best way to get someone to listen to you is to listen to them first.
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Focus on Agreement and Common Humanity
Minimize differences by showcasing shared values and common ground. Pointing out differences puts people on the defensive and makes it hard to have productive conversations.
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Practice Humility
People bond over vulnerability. Opening up about a time when you behaved in a way that you regret, perhaps even in a racist way, shows humility and builds respect from the other side. To become antiracist, be open. Be honest. Sharing is the first step toward caring.
How are you making changes to become truly anti-racist? Click here to contribute to this conversation.
I was very deliberate in choosing the new name for my law firm – Transitions Legal.
As in any business branding exercise, I worked with mypublic relations/marketing consultantto look for the right words to reflect the values and services my business has to offer. The name of a business should tell you more than just what it does or who it is – it should be iconic, something that builds brand awareness and leaves a lasting impression that stands out from the crowd of competitors.
Although not necessarily the “norm” for law firms, this concept struck a chord with me, and I hope that’s what happens with my brand.
As a divorce attorney and mediator with more than two decades of legal experience, I want my clients to know that I am here for them through the major, and sometimes tumultuous, transition of life we call “divorce.” And, I can and will help them emerge on the other side intact, confident and eyes-forward.
I didn’t go to law school thinking divorce would be my specialty. But because of some formative experiences with divorce, a neighbor whose compassionate approach to family law inspired me, and a natural proclivity to wanting to help others, I ended up gravitating toward this niche.
I’m glad I did. It is incredibly satisfying for me to work with someone during their hour of need and see them emerge strong from a challenging time. My main work is not just to make a divorce happen; it’s to empower my clients to move forward in their lives.
The renowned Austrian composer Gustav Mahler once said, “The real art of conducting consists in transitions.”
It’s easy to play the notes in front of you and to continue with a movement that has a familiar flow.
It’s another thing altogether to seamlessly shift from loud to soft, big music to subtle music. What happens in between misery and joy can make all the difference.
And that’s what I do every day.
In my practice, I always felt like I was helping families in transition move from one phase of life to another but I never put this message out there. It’s important for people to know that going through a divorce is a transition – for them and for their family – not an end but the beginning of a new movement that they alone can compose, as beautifully and inspiring as they see fit.
