It comes every year, back-to-school madness, with frantic shopping trips for school supplies, backpacks, and new clothes. But for divorced parents, this time can be fraught for very different reasons.
Even in the 21st century, schools and teachers aren’t always sensitive to a child’s real-life situations. And they should be.
Sometimes, it’s the parents’ fault, as one pits against the other, or excludes their former spouse from important school communications. As a Collaborative Divorce attorney and Mediator guiding clients in alternative dispute resolution so they can avoid combative litigation and stay out of court, I am a big advocate of creating a team for your child in the best way possible.
Schools and teachers should remain neutral and support their students. And parents should work together to be a united front for their children, even after a marriage has ended.
It is possible, you know. Tension and stress do not have to be the norm in divorced families! That’s why I practice the way I do, offering couples alternative ways to end a marriage, so they can move on in their lives and their family with respect, dignity, and grace.
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It Starts With Focusing On Your Child
When their child is the focus, parents make better decisions. It’s not about your hurt feelings or resentments; it’s about the children.
Starting a new school year is a time of anxiety and also excitement for children. They have new teachers, possibly new friends, and new challenging classes to advance their education. All of this should be what divorced parents focus on!
Still, it’s important for teachers to be aware of a child’s home situation. So, let them know—while copying your former spouse on the email—what’s going on and what home life your child experiences, so teachers can understand the full picture.
Teachers are generally compassionate people who care a lot about children. After all, they’ve devoted their careers to teaching!! So consider them your family’s ally, and help them to support your child in ideal ways—by keeping both parents in the communication loop.
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If custody battles are still raging, let the teacher know this. Children don’t learn in a bubble. They bring to school whatever worries or tensions they experience at home, and that can impact their ability to learn.
Teachers should never take sides, and parents shouldn’t try to make them do so. If they have concerns, they should reach out to both parents. And both parents should respond in dignified and concerned ways, keeping their child as the focal point of the conversation.
These days, teachers are usually overworked and underpaid. They’re so busy that they should not have to add to their burden of responsibility navigating a tense family situation.
And don’t suffer in silence. It helps your child for their teacher to understand the full landscape of their life.
Learning to Do Divorce Well
I’ve started to work with clients to include an “ACED” provision in their divorce agreement which is intended to practically and meaningfully define how parents will Address, Change & Engage in Disagreement. This is part of my Conscious Contract training—creating provisions that support cooperation and resilience rather than defaulting to escalation.
An “ACED” provision will always be unique to the family. It is built off of what they have shared as their values, and what is most important to them, which guides their decision-making.
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It takes time to succeed at divorce. I know that sounds funny, but it is a transition from one way of living to another.
Emotions accompany any life transition, and you will mourn the loss while celebrating this new phase. If you need support, find a therapist or support group or talk to a friend who understands.
In time, you’ll learn how to respectfully communicate with your ex for the benefit and well-being of your children. You both want this. You’d do it if you were still married. So set aside your hurt and emotions to be there for your child in the way they need you to be.
If you find it difficult to include your ex in educational endeavors related to the children, it might be a good idea to go together to a Mediator and discuss ways to share information and divide responsibilities.
Just like marriage, divorce changes over time as we grow and evolve. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help at different stages of your divorce so that you can do this well!
Whatever you do or feel, if you can keep your child’s school success as your shared motivation, it will help guide you in healthy and communicative directions.
Throughout my career as a curious divorce attorney and mediator, I have sought out trainings, certifications, and professional development opportunities to deepen my knowledge and enhance my family law skills.
A few years ago, I began my journey as an Insight Mediator, applying the insight theory to help divorcing couples reach workable and satisfying settlements. Recently, I’ve been participating in the Curious Mediator II training, which seeks to integrate the Conscious Contract® concept into divorce mediation and settlement agreement negotiations.
It’s a natural pairing because a Conscious Contract®, whether in a business relationship or a parenting agreement, takes people through the steps of how they make decisions, guided by values and intended outcomes.
I know it might sound confusing, but we rarely think about what drives our decision-making—and we should!
What motivates decision-making for a businessperson?
A parent?
A romantic partner?
A friend?
When I facilitate a mediation with a divorcing couple or a co-parenting couple post-divorce, I guide them through reflection on their motivations, their decisions, and their intended outcomes. I encourage them to get curious.
I do this every day as a businessperson. I reflect when I am negotiating a contract. I reflect before I guide my team members in their responsibilities. I even reflect as a mother when I am in conversation with my daughters.
Take Time to Reflect
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When it comes to divorce, everyone involved will be better for taking the time to reflect on how and why they make decisions. The Curious Mediator training is training me to talk with my Mediation clients about those values that they identify as crucial to guide the decisions they make regarding divorce, parenting and more.
But first, people must be able to articulate their values.
We throw that term around a lot—values. But what does it mean?
Values should refer to the beliefs and priorities that guide your actions. I guide Mediation clients (and really, all my divorce clients) toward identifying specific values, writing them down, discussing them in detail so the other person can understand what you mean, and then, how to use these values to guide decision making.
Within the training, I am looking at how the environment is important in making people feel comfortable and safe talking about what matters most to them.
Everything Is a Contract Between Parties
I look at co-parenting as a contract between former spouses detailing how they will approach situations. The contract is something that both parties articulate and agree to so that when they are during co-parenting, they can refer to it and hold each other, and themselves, accountable to thoughtful, grounded behaviors.
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What happens if there’s a dispute? A specific provision guides you through it.
In Curious Mediator training, the emphasis is on getting curious. When I meet with a couple in Mediation, I bring my curiosity—no judgment and no predetermined outcomes. I am there to guide the two of them through their own conversations and hopes for the future and by being curious, I can help them articulate how they want to get there.
Recently, I facilitated a mediation during which the parents created a joint parenting narrative agreeing on what to say to their children about their divorce, what is important to them, and why they made certain decisions. In drafting the Parenting Time Agreement, we included a conflict resolution paragraph that incorporated the values they expressed in their joint parenting narrative.
The hope is that, when they get to a difficult moment in their co-parenting, they will refer to this provision to guide them in resolving their disagreement, helping with what to say and why they, as parents, made certain decisions.
Let Your Values Lead
Mid-conflict, they can look to their values, what matters to them, what they agreed to, and it guides them in moving forward on the same page and with having a coordinated message for their children.
Insight Mediation training changes how I work with people. The Conscious Contract® training affects how I draft documents, not only Judgments of Divorce, Settlement and Parenting Agreements, but also Prenuptial Agreements. Many people come to me to draft prenups and review prenups created by other attorneys, and I am honored to guide them in creating language driven by their values.
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If I understand what’s important to a client, what they have discussed as a couple, whether pre-marriage or post, their legal documents will reflect them. And that matters.
One couple said, “The lawyer who did our first draft wrote it all in legalese. It doesn’t reflect what we believe or what we want for each other or our marriage.”
This is typical. Most attorneys use a template focused on protecting one person in the relationship over the other, not creating a path based on the realistic expectations the couple has for their future.
When I spoke with the couple, they talked about their values and what they want to make sure happens during their marriage. So when I revised the prenuptial agreement, I used plain English—their names, us or me instead of the client—and they felt better about the resulting agreement.
Expanding What Transitions Legal Offers
The Curious Mediator training is not just for divorcing couples. It applies to any conflict, really. I am equipped now, with this training, to mediate a conflict between neighbors or help families resolve disputes.
By gaining these skills, I am broadening the scope of what Transitions Legal can do for you—for anyone.
Our clients now go beyond divorce. Recently, an older couple asked me to mediate a dispute between their grown sons, who owned a business together but were no longer speaking. The business had gone bad, and the wives were at odds. The parents were devastated that their sons were not talking and suggested Mediation.
This is meaningful work!
In another case, some daughters were in conflict with their father, who was remarrying and making changes to his estate plan. They had existing issues with their dad, and they wanted to maintain the family identity, so they hired me and a mental health professional to co-mediate for them.
Most stressful situations demand better communication and empathy. If I can bring that to people, I will consider my life’s work a success.
April is Financial Literacy Month, which is a great reminder to know your numbers before you divorce. Know your assets, know your debts, know your expenses, know your accounts, and have access to everything.
That sentence alone may make your head spin. If it does, know that you’re not alone!
Many people seeking to divorce feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information that is needed to move forward with their divorce—and they feel helpless when they haven’t been the spouse in charge of paying bills or managing money.
It is quite common in a marriage that one spouse is better at managing money. Most divorcing couples find tension and sometimes, disputes, when it comes to the couple’s “marital estate.” That includes the assets, debts and other acquisitions that occurred during the marriage.
If you’re splitting up, chances are good that you don’t agree on how to move forward. One spouse (or both) may want the house; one partner may not want to share retirement savings; if one partner has a much more significant income, they may be reluctant to pay support to the other.
Dividing assets and debts is one potential hurdle that may be painful during your divorce. Painful, but necessary.
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“Equitable distribution” of the marital estate means a fair, not always equal, division of shared assets and debts. But first, both parties need access to, and a clear picture of, what’s on the table.
If you feel like you’re out of the loop on your financial picture, start by requesting your credit report from one of the three major reporting agencies. (Karma.com offers free credit reports!) In that report, you’ll find all accounts and cards in your name alone as well as joint accounts.
Once you receive the report, review each account to ensure accuracy, amounts, and payment history. Dispute inaccurate information immediately.
When acting as a mediator or as an attorney, I ask that each spouse provide a copy of their credit report to me and to the other. It provides confirmation of the debts that exist and must be dealt in deciding how to distribute the marital estate.
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If you’re a high net worth couple, your financial picture may be even more complicated than you expect.
Don’t worry, though! We will get to the bottom of everything. Transitions Legal’s financial assessment in divorce includes not just hard numbers but also in-depth conversations with you about your values around money.
In some marriages, one spouse is a free-spender while another is more frugal. We bring values from our families of origin, past experiences and upbringing into the financial picture of a marriage. That’s why money can be a breaking point for many couples!
Your values surrounding money will help guide the divorce settlement, too. In Collaborative Divorce and Mediation, we have deep, meaningful conversations about what matters most to you as a couple and as a family. This guides the divorce so you can both leave the marriage feeling as good as possible about what comes next.
These are not easy conversations and one of the unique aspects of Transitions Legal’s work with you is preparing you for these conversations with resources and tools unique to our firm such as the Our Family in Two Homes workbook.
Still, to get a clear picture of where you’re headed post-divorce, we need a clear picture of where you are now. We can start with a bank balance or account statement.
Some documents or accounts you might want to look for include the following:
Investment portfolios
Retirement accounts and pensions
The deed to your home(s) and mortgage statement
Bank accounts
Business accounts if one or both of you own a business
Tax returns from previous years
Monthly expenses for your household
Credit card statements
Credit reports
Pay stubs
Monthly cash flow
In Collaborative Divorce, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) is part of the team as a strategist who will help with all of this as well as provide insight for your post-divorce financial future. The CDFA on the Collaborative Divorce team will lead you and your spouse in exploring the division of assets, identify tax issues, and help address how to best manage the children’s financial needs for education, extracurricular expenses, medical treatment and more, based on income flow.
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It is also not unusual to include a CDFA in Mediation depending on the complexity of the marital estate and where clients will benefit from additional education about their finances.
The higher your net worth the longer this part of your divorce may take. You might be surprised, but the more debt you have also plays a role in the complexity of dividing assets. It’s important not to rush financial fact-finding or planning! It takes time to create a complete picture of your marital estate.
Many people worry about how they’ll make it financially post-divorce. It may take some months before we can create a clear picture of what your asset distribution will be once the divorce is final.
One thing you can do to be proactive is to create a budget. Look at your expenses and see what you’re likely to carry over into your post-divorce life. This exploration will prepare you for the financial discussions surrounding not only the division of your marital estate, but also about spousal support and child support!
If the expenses of your married life are too high to continue after the divorce, we’ll have conversations about how to trim so you feel confident in your new life.
It’s our job to guide you through the often-complicated financial waters of your divorce and help you emerge on the other side with knowledge, confidence and a clear path.
When people get divorced, one of the biggest emotions they experience is a lack of control—either because their partner initiates the breakup, or because the legal part of uncoupling is in the hands of professionals and going at their pace based on the court-specific timeline.
Years ago, when I started practicing Collaborative Divorce in addition to what was then a mostly litigative practice, I did so because I saw so many benefits to my clients. Taking control of their divorce and deciding its timeline was one big part of that.
Now that Transitions Legal has become fully a Center for Collaborative Divorce and Mediation and eliminated litigation as an offering, every single divorce case that we take on is in the hands of the people divorcing.
That’s pretty amazing, when I think about it.
Alisa Peskin-Shepherd, family law attorney
My job as a family law attorney is to shepherd people through a pretty tough time in their lives. Even when you’re the one initiating a divorce, there is still a period of mourning, a letting go of what you had hoped would be forever, a transition from one way of life to another unexpected and uncharted one.
Most people feel anxiety and overwhelm when things are beyond their control. That’s natural. Whether it’s keeping the house clean or getting all your work done or waiting for a reply from someone else on something that matters to you, whenever important tasks are in someone else’s hands, we can’t help but feel uncomfortable.
Now, I am delighted to be able to give my clients the control they need and want.
Of course, because of the nature of divorce itself, each individual spouse doesn’t have total control. Divorce involves two people and their shared assets and family members. There are a lot of moving parts, so it is never completely in one person’s control.
The brilliant part of Collaborative Divorce and Mediation is the way it gives divorcing spouses some measure of control over how the divorce process goes, what they end up with after the divorce is final, and when and how all of this takes place.
Both processes put the divorcing spouses in the driver’s seat. Yes, there are details to negotiate and compromises to make. But these are still the clients’ choices to make. Just like how fast it goes and the values that guide the process — all under their control.
Not the courts.
Not court-based professionals who have no vested interest in the outcome of the case.
Not a judge sitting in their courtroom who doesn’t know either of you or your kids.
The control is yours. And that’s the way I’d like to keep it.
And for the second year running, we are offering free introductory consultations for people considering divorce during Divorce with Respect Week, which runs March 1-8, 2026.
Divorce With Respect Week, a national initiative first introduced by Collaborative Practice California in 2021, unites divorce professionals throughout the country in raising awareness about Collaborative Divorce as a client-centered alternative to traditional litigation. It has grown into a national movement to help divorcing couples find a less combative way to untie the knot.
Last year, nearly 600 Collaborative professionals participated in Divorce with Respect Week®, and more than 16,000 visitors visited DivorceWithRespectWeek.com.
This effort focuses on the Collaborative Divorce process, which I’ve practiced for a long time. But I would take it further—divorcing with respect can only happen through processes that focus on equal footing, processes like Mediation as well as Collaborative Divorce.
Pretty much any out-of-court process that you can use to end a marriage promotes less combat and more harmony.
People divorcing today don’t want to engage in an adversarial process. They also want to keep costs down, and they want a divorce process that is easier to navigate.
In the available out-of-court processes, you’re always supported by a professional who focuses on your family. In the case of Collaborative Divorce, it’s a team of professionals—even better! Everyone involved has your true best interests at heart. What’s more, they listen to you and encourage your partner to listen as well.
A decade or two ago, when I would talk to people about alternative ways of getting divorced, it was so unknown that people shied away from it. No one wanted to be the guinea pig!
But times have changed, and I guess people have, too. When the court system was forced to go online during the pandemic, we all saw the possibilities and promise for resolving divorce outside of court.
No one wants to be on Zoom! It’s hard to focus, and hard to be seen or heard.
Recently, I’ve been caught up in a litigation case, one of my very last ones since I made the switch to focusing only on out-of-court processes. This case was ordered by the court to an evidentiary hearing (like a trial but in front of a Friend of the Court referee and it could still go to trial in front of the judge, too). This post-divorce judgment case has gone on for more than a year, and it’s still not done. So much of that is due to the overloaded court which cannot give us time on the docket often for weeks at a time.
There are so many cases that the court must manage and so many issues. My referee is handling so many cases with so many other responsibilities to thousands of families that they can only hold hearings on Tuesdays.
And, court-based outcomes are also very limiting because the court cannot possibly know each person’s values and what is important to them, nor consider within that context an individual family’s unique needs. Without this information the outcome can wholly miss the mark. The court system needs to move people through—not necessarily see them as individuals with their own needs and desires.
This is the way it’s always been done. But when you choose an out-of-court process for your divorce, you bring unique ideas and solutions to the table based on what is important to you and to your family. And people are prepared to hear you and take action toward your ideal outcomes.
Out-of-court, clients get more attention, which raises the level of respect—for yourself and your partner.
If you just think about the phrase—Divorce With Respect—it’s an invitation! It’s a challenge!
It means hearing, listening and understanding what each person is saying, even if you don’t agree. Giving them the respect to listen and to consider.
When we are all on the same page, when we all feel relevant, it’s a lot easier to find a resolution that works for everyone.
By gaining these skills, I am broadening the scope of what Transitions Legal can do for you—for anyone.
These are not easy conversations and one of the unique aspects of Transitions Legal’s work with you is preparing you for these conversations with resources and tools unique to our firm such as the 
This is the second year that I’ve participated in 
Pretty much any out-of-court process that you can use to end a marriage promotes less combat and more harmony.
This is the way it’s always been done. But when you choose an out-of-court process for your divorce, you bring unique ideas and solutions to the table based on what is important to you and to your family. And people are prepared to hear you and take action toward your ideal outcomes.