With the United States rapidly approaching a fraught presidential election, I’ve been wondering whether political differences can end a marriage.
In all my years of practicing Family Law, I’ve never had someone come to me and say that the only reason they’re divorcing is because of political differences. That said, I think it can be a contributing factor that breaks a young marriage.
For a couple that’s been together a long time, if they have a deep level of respect for one another, I don’t think politics will break them apart.
But any fundamental difference in values or priorities can strain a relationship. And, left unfettered for years, could bring a couple to the brink.
These are really difficult times. Politics are polarized and incredibly divisive, and people feel the need to dig lines in the sand.
A long-lasting marriage depends on aligning values on most of the important things in life and respecting inevitable differences.
Recently, in the final season of the Netflix series, Vikings Valhalla, I marveled at the marriage between King Canute (of Viking origins) and Queen Emma (a Christian from Normandy). Back then, Vikings and Christians were at mortal odds. When Canute died, his widow presided over a ceremonial Christian burial. But unbeknownst to the populace, the king’s body was not buried in that closed coffin. Instead, it was sent to sea in a traditional Viking burial.
For the public eye, Canute had converted long ago to Christianity. He’d even built a connection with the Pope in Rome. But inside, his wife knew he was a Viking, always and forever. I admired her quiet acceptance of his values, and respected the character’s desire to give him a farewell in his own tradition.
When you think about it, two individuals don’t have to agree on even the most important values to share a life. If you can hold your own beliefs close and know them to be true for you, but resist the urge to preach or convert, you’ll have the best chance of communing with others, no matter their views.
People change and evolve over time. It takes time to decide to divorce. Rarely is one issue the culminating factor prompting a split.
If you believe politics is the fraying point in your relationship, I’ll bet there are other issues of division, too.
Then, parents were concerned about safety and exposure and health, of course. People on both sides of the equation truly believed their perspective was the right one to protect their children.
In such a divisive political time, if co-parents hold different political views, it could inspire distrust or even malicious comments or worse, behaviors, toward their co-parent, which can make co-parenting difficult.
I have a friend whose mother was a Republican and his father was a Democrat. They had mutual respect throughout their long marriage. At the family table, my friend heard their different views, and the parents were content to allow him to make his own choices when he was older. They never argued over politics.
No couple is aligned on everything. A strong relationship depends on having the independence to do what is meaningful to you and still be in a relationship that is close and connected and founded on respect. You can have shared values but vote differently. If you need your partner to agree with you on everything, the issue is likely more about your commitment to your beliefs than it is about the marriage.
Americans are waiting longer to marry these days, with some deciding marriage is an antiquated institution that they want no part of according to a Pew Research Study. But that doesn’t stop couples from cohabiting and even having children together.
So, what does that mean for divorce and co-parenting?
Well, obviously, if they’ve never married, going through the legal process of divorce is eliminated, but these parents still face the rigors and questions of co-parenting in two homes and as a result, family law attorneys see plenty of cases with never-married couples who want to legally codify a parenting plan to guide their lifelong responsibilities and ensure financial security for their children.
The divorce rate in America has been steadily falling for some time, but the downward trend of marriage in America isn’t that significant – yet. The 2019 Pew study reported that 58 percent of Americans were married in 1995 and now, it’s 53 percent. The study also revealed that more than three-quarters of young adults today are comfortable with the idea of living with a partner outside of marriage; and it’s not surprising that views about marriage vary according to religious affiliation.
But even with all of these changes in how people are now viewing marriage and parenting, married adults show higher levels of happiness in their relationships, along with more trust, than unmarried cohabiting couples.
Photo by Ramin Talebi on Unsplash
Today, according to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), the divorce rate is 2.3 per 1,000 people. And, more people were married in 2021 than in 1960 – perhaps due to a more robust nationwide population!
A lot of factors influence whether a person is likely to marry, cohabitate or stay single. Regardless, we are definitely in an age when the question of parenting exists outside of and separate from the question of marriage. If children are the future, then isn’t it wise for unmarried parents to commit to protecting their relationships with their children even when they themselves are no longer a couple.
Could this impact where we are in a decade or two from now? Who knows!
Since same-sex marriage first became legal in Massachusetts in 2004, I’ve been watching to see if marriage trends and divorce trends mirror what we see in the heterosexual world. Because just as anyone can fall in love, anyone can fall out of love, too.
Not all marriages are meant to last forever!
Since 2015, same-sex couples have been allowed to legally marry in all 50 states, but the effort began way back in the 1970s, as part of the Civil Rights movement to extend the rights of a democratic nation to all of its citizens. I believe strongly that all couples who want to marry should be allowed to do so.
A 2011 study initially reported that same-sex couples divorced at a slightly lower rate than their opposite-sex couple counterparts. According to a 2021 article by Pride Legal, lesbian marriage has a high divorce rate. The article cites a 16% divorce rate for gay marriages compared with a 34% divorce rate for lesbian couples – against a 19% divorce rate for heterosexual couples.
Photo by Steven Ritzer on Unsplash
(Check out this 2013 New York Magazine article about same-sex splits.)
In the LGBTQ community, there is not always consensus on the formal institution of marriage. Some eagerly march to the altar, excited to finally have the option to be equal under the laws of our nation.
Other couples, however, won’t marry on principle, seeing it as a backwards, archaic institution foisted upon people as a way of locking in property and control.
With legal recognition comes legal quandaries, and a legally-married same-sex couple who wants to split must go through the same processes as a heterosexual couple seeking to divorce. The tricky part comes when they have children.
Six states have attempted to deny same-sex couples full adoption rights when one partner (or both) is not the biological parent of the child. Not having both parents’ names on a child’s birth certificate can cause immense problems if a couple parts ways.
In 2017, the Supreme Court ruled in the case of Pavan v. Smith that same-sex couples must be treated equally to opposite-sex couples in the issuance of birth certificates.
Divorce occurs according to state specifications, which dictate child support, child custody, division of assets and spousal support. If an LGBTQ couple married before 2015, a local judge may split assets unfairly or not be open to shared custody or parental rights.
Photo by Alvin Mahmudov on Unsplash
If the couple can create a harmonious parenting plan on their own, it will serve them well when they go to court. If they leave it up to the court, they may find that the non-biological parent, if they have not adopted the child legally, may be out in the cold.
If a spouse was never considered the child’s parent in the eyes of the law, the court may not grant visitation, custody, or parental rights. How devastating for both the child and the non-custodial parent!
After the Supreme Court leak highlighting the forthcoming overturning of Roe v. Wade, many of us in the law are concerned that this will spark a trend of overturning long-fought-for laws affecting other American rights, including same-sex marriage. We’ve fought so hard for so long to give all our citizens equal representation under the law.
May is Older Americans Month, a term I hate because after all, what is an Older American? It is supposed to refer to the elders of our communities, which I guess I’d be considered, but I certainly don’t feel that I am!
Similarly, Gray Divorce, the growing trend since 1990 of couples past age 50 who call it quits, refers to older adults who decide to break up once they’ve gone gray. Again, not the best term, though it does roll off the tongue.
Regardless of the terminology, though, Gray Divorce is a growing trend that is predicted to explode by 2030! We support more and more Gray Divorce clients, who are by definition older Americans, and I find there are some similarities among these cases.
First, people reach a certain point in their lives, or their relationships, when they feel confident enough to know what they want and buck societal expectations to go for it.
Photo by Al Elmes on Unsplash
Maybe they wanted to leave earlier, but worried they’d field criticism, judgment or abandonment by friends or family. Then they get to a point where they realize that no one’s opinion matters other than their own.
Also, there are some couples who enjoyed a respectable marriage – 20 or 30 years, perhaps – and simply outgrew the relationship or each other. There is nothing to lament! It’s OK to move on at midlife.
Especially because we are all living longer these days and may have many careers – why wouldn’t the same evolution happen with our personal pursuits?
Alisa Peskin-Shepherd on FOX 2 Detroit in 2016, talking about Gray Divorce
Finally, many couples wait until their children are grown to call it quits. They may think that it will be easier on their kids once they’re out of the house – but I have news for you. It is NEVER easy on the children when a couple divorces. Sorry to say – even fully grown adults with kids of their own will experience emotions and have opinions if their parents break up.
Regardless of the reasons, Gray Divorce is a fact of the 21st century. Learn more about it here. And check out my interview on FOX 2 Detroit about Gray Divorce.
And if you’d like to discuss how this might apply to you, click here to set up a consultative call.
In the world of divorce, Valentine’s Day is a dreaded occurrence.
Some of my clients feel sad or angry or just very alone when this day rolls around. It’s marketed as a time to celebrate love and romance, and I’m in the business of ending relationships in very final and lasting ways.
Over the years, I’ve done media interviews about how it is possible to “love” your ex and why you might want to. In my work as a Collaborative Divorce attorney, I focus on finding peaceful and harmonious resolution to an ending marriage, especially when children are present.
But at the end of the day, I can’t stop this holiday coming and I can’t change how our society reveres passionate romantic love and scowls on splitting up. There is so much judgment about how a failed relationship is a personal failure, and how being alone is something to lament.
That’s step one. See love as a relational thing. I see the humanity in you, and you see it in me. I don’t cling to you, and I don’t need you. I can relate to you. I can share space and time, I can live alongside you, but with or without you, I am complete, whole, wonderful.
Step two is to embrace the notion that there is nothing wrong with being alone. When we can be intimate in knowing ourselves, and really appreciate how special and unique we are at the core, we can find true happiness.
Happiness and success and a life well-lived should not depend on who walks beside us, or who tumbles in the bed next to us at night. I rise in the morning to greet myself in the mirror and that is as good a start to the day as any.
Recently, I became a representative of Our Family in Two Homes, a resource to guide divorcing families to a seamless, compatible carrying-on beyond their split. It aligns with my preference for Collaborative Divorce as a humane way to end a relationship.
It’s a workbook that clients can use to get themselves on solid ground before proceeding with divorce. So much of this resource guides clients to self-reflection and discovery, to communication styles and the values they want for their family and their life.
We could all benefit from such a deep dive!
All of this is to say that I refuse to be sidelined by mistaken notions of what it means to be whole and full of love.
We’re beyond Valentine’s Day for this year, and before it comes around again, I pledge to help my clients move to a place of clarity and wholeness regardless of where their relationships take them. It’s really the best place to be.
