Focusing on Dads in Divorce Court

Focusing on Dads in Divorce Court

dads and divorce

Photo by Vitolda Klein on Unsplash

By Alisa Peskin-Shepherd

For the longest time, mothers got custody automatically. But now, in an effort to correct a perceived injustice against men, courts and law firms alike are focusing on dads, circulating legislation to establish mandatory equal parenting time motivated by dads groups.

It’s like a pendulum swinging from one extreme to the other, and I hope to eventually see it settle in some middle ground with the focus solely on what is best for the children.

This change began when I started my career in family law in the early 1990s. I cannot remember a case where it was an automatic win for the mom. Yes, moms were still favored, but it wasn’t automatic.

Over the last 20 years, it’s really intensified, as newly-elected judges brought their perspectives on the idea of parenting time to the bench. Sometimes it feels like it doesn’t matter what the law says.

You can walk into one judge’s courtroom and know that they are a “50/50 judge,” which means they start from an assumption of equal parenting time and if you want it to be something different, you better show a good reason why. It is really difficult to get them to move.

Litigation in such a courtroom is quite challenging when you know there is a good reason to skew the amount of time children spend with one parent or another, or even just where they will lay their heads at night. Sometimes it’s as simple as the roles parents played while they were married. You can’t draw a sharp line in the sand when you split, making everything change immediately.

some dads become better parents after divorce

Photo by Larry Crayton on Unsplash

When one parent has been the primary caregiver, it’s uncomfortable not only for the parent but for the children, to suddenly be ousted from their job or role and the whole family thrown into a very different routine.

It’s challenging, too, for the non-primary caregiver, who may have no idea about a lot of what goes into taking care of a toddler or school schedules or carpooling and they’re forced to step into a very different role without guidance or transition. They may be too proud to ask for help.

A divorce is often not the most collegial of processes, which means parents on both sides may feel uncomfortable asking the other for guidance in their new role. Which is exactly what they need.

When you get into court, you’re positioned against each other so instead of recognizing these natural human elements, it becomes a fight, where they won’t talk about or look at options.

If we want to move towards promoting more equal parenting time, then depending on the real life situation, it may be best to move toward that point  in stages.

That way, it’s less disruptive for the children, while giving time for both parents to transition into new roles.

Dads can learn how to be better as solo parents after divorce

Photo by Edi Libedinsky on Unsplash

Depending on the ages of the kids, I recommend giving six months or a year to make a change, giving both parents space to learn about their new role. The kids also can gradually transition into the changes.

In the divorce world, most attorneys fail to and some even refuse to talk about the impact of all of this. The focus is instead on  the outcome . I wish we recognized how kids bear the brunt of adult decisions. For instance, they’re the ones shuffling back and forth between two homes – not the adults who initiated the divorce!

I yearn for a time when divorcing parents can put their hurt and anger aside in exchange for a focus on their children, who didn’t ask for any of this. This means not just talking the talk, but showing it by the compromises and agreements they make. Parenting time must be about the children – not about the parents!!

I prefer to look at parenting time as the parent’s opportunity to spend time with that child, on the child’s schedule. Whether you’re a mom or a dad, you can and should be more involved in school, spend more time with your children doing things of interest to them, and cherish this time, even if it’s not an overnight.

It takes humility on both parents’ parts to recognize their strengths and weaknesses, and cooperation to work together, but in this model the focus is completely on the children. Which is how it should be.

Start a Divorce Case with the End in Mind

Start a Divorce Case with the End in Mind

Start a Divorce Case with the End in Mind

One reason I like Collaborative Divorce so much is that we begin the divorce case with an ideal outcome in mind.

Usually, the divorcing parties want to be collegial and, if they are parents, work together once their marriage is legally over.

With these goals, you make decisions to get there. Often, you don’t want acrimonious opposition or endless arguments because the working-together part won’t happen easily.

Instead, you take steps toward divorce that include listening to the other side, considering a variety of options, and having conversations with an open mind.

It helps that in a Collaborative Divorce, you’re not just supported by a divorce lawyer – you also have the benefit of a financial planner, a divorce coach, and/or a child specialist who come together as your team to help reach your desired outcome.

Whether or not you choose a Collaborative path to divorce, you can begin with the outcome in mind.

If you want easy co-parenting, try to hear the other parent’s desire for time with the children. View other details of custody and parenting time arrangements with that goal in mind.

If you love the house and want to remain in it, consider what the other party might want in exchange for giving you the house.

If you like to vacation Up North every summer for a month, be prepared to give your ex-spouse a month of vacation with the children, too.

Divorcing with the end in mind keeps you on track to negotiate with intellect rather than letting emotions drive the process.

It’s easy to let hurt, anger, resentment and long-held feelings of dissatisfaction cloud judgment – but doing so does not usually lead to a positive next phase of life.

divorce
divorce

Think big picture.

Think about the tone you want to set for your children. Think about the good times – there had to be some! – and honor and respect the good memories to help you part ways in a good light.

Read more about Collaborative Divorce