Back-to-School for Divorced Parents
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It comes every year, back-to-school madness, with frantic shopping trips for school supplies, backpacks, and new clothes. But for divorced parents, this time can be fraught for very different reasons.
Even in the 21st century, schools and teachers aren’t always sensitive to a child’s real-life situations. And they should be.
Sometimes, it’s the parents’ fault, as one pits against the other, or excludes their former spouse from important school communications. As a Collaborative Divorce attorney and Mediator guiding clients in alternative dispute resolution so they can avoid combative litigation and stay out of court, I am a big advocate of creating a team for your child in the best way possible.
Schools and teachers should remain neutral and support their students. And parents should work together to be a united front for their children, even after a marriage has ended.
It is possible, you know. Tension and stress do not have to be the norm in divorced families! That’s why I practice the way I do, offering couples alternative ways to end a marriage, so they can move on in their lives and their family with respect, dignity, and grace.
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It Starts With Focusing On Your Child
When their child is the focus, parents make better decisions. It’s not about your hurt feelings or resentments; it’s about the children.
Starting a new school year is a time of anxiety and also excitement for children. They have new teachers, possibly new friends, and new challenging classes to advance their education. All of this should be what divorced parents focus on!
Still, it’s important for teachers to be aware of a child’s home situation. So, let them know—while copying your former spouse on the email—what’s going on and what home life your child experiences, so teachers can understand the full picture.
Teachers are generally compassionate people who care a lot about children. After all, they’ve devoted their careers to teaching!! So consider them your family’s ally, and help them to support your child in ideal ways—by keeping both parents in the communication loop.
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If custody battles are still raging, let the teacher know this. Children don’t learn in a bubble. They bring to school whatever worries or tensions they experience at home, and that can impact their ability to learn.
Teachers should never take sides, and parents shouldn’t try to make them do so. If they have concerns, they should reach out to both parents. And both parents should respond in dignified and concerned ways, keeping their child as the focal point of the conversation.
These days, teachers are usually overworked and underpaid. They’re so busy that they should not have to add to their burden of responsibility navigating a tense family situation.
And don’t suffer in silence. It helps your child for their teacher to understand the full landscape of their life.
Learning to Do Divorce Well
I’ve started to work with clients to include an “ACED” provision in their divorce agreement which is intended to practically and meaningfully define how parents will Address, Change & Engage in Disagreement. This is part of my Conscious Contract training—creating provisions that support cooperation and resilience rather than defaulting to escalation.
An “ACED” provision will always be unique to the family. It is built off of what they have shared as their values, and what is most important to them, which guides their decision-making.
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It takes time to succeed at divorce. I know that sounds funny, but it is a transition from one way of living to another.
Emotions accompany any life transition, and you will mourn the loss while celebrating this new phase. If you need support, find a therapist or support group or talk to a friend who understands.
In time, you’ll learn how to respectfully communicate with your ex for the benefit and well-being of your children. You both want this. You’d do it if you were still married. So set aside your hurt and emotions to be there for your child in the way they need you to be.
If you find it difficult to include your ex in educational endeavors related to the children, it might be a good idea to go together to a Mediator and discuss ways to share information and divide responsibilities.
Just like marriage, divorce changes over time as we grow and evolve. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help at different stages of your divorce so that you can do this well!
Whatever you do or feel, if you can keep your child’s school success as your shared motivation, it will help guide you in healthy and communicative directions.