It comes every year, back-to-school madness, with frantic shopping trips for school supplies, backpacks, and new clothes. But for divorced parents, this time can be fraught for very different reasons.
Even in the 21st century, schools and teachers aren’t always sensitive to a child’s real-life situations. And they should be.
Sometimes, it’s the parents’ fault, as one pits against the other, or excludes their former spouse from important school communications. As a Collaborative Divorce attorney and Mediator guiding clients in alternative dispute resolution so they can avoid combative litigation and stay out of court, I am a big advocate of creating a team for your child in the best way possible.
Schools and teachers should remain neutral and support their students. And parents should work together to be a united front for their children, even after a marriage has ended.
It is possible, you know. Tension and stress do not have to be the norm in divorced families! That’s why I practice the way I do, offering couples alternative ways to end a marriage, so they can move on in their lives and their family with respect, dignity, and grace.
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It Starts With Focusing On Your Child
When their child is the focus, parents make better decisions. It’s not about your hurt feelings or resentments; it’s about the children.
Starting a new school year is a time of anxiety and also excitement for children. They have new teachers, possibly new friends, and new challenging classes to advance their education. All of this should be what divorced parents focus on!
Still, it’s important for teachers to be aware of a child’s home situation. So, let them know—while copying your former spouse on the email—what’s going on and what home life your child experiences, so teachers can understand the full picture.
Teachers are generally compassionate people who care a lot about children. After all, they’ve devoted their careers to teaching!! So consider them your family’s ally, and help them to support your child in ideal ways—by keeping both parents in the communication loop.
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If custody battles are still raging, let the teacher know this. Children don’t learn in a bubble. They bring to school whatever worries or tensions they experience at home, and that can impact their ability to learn.
Teachers should never take sides, and parents shouldn’t try to make them do so. If they have concerns, they should reach out to both parents. And both parents should respond in dignified and concerned ways, keeping their child as the focal point of the conversation.
These days, teachers are usually overworked and underpaid. They’re so busy that they should not have to add to their burden of responsibility navigating a tense family situation.
And don’t suffer in silence. It helps your child for their teacher to understand the full landscape of their life.
Learning to Do Divorce Well
I’ve started to work with clients to include an “ACED” provision in their divorce agreement which is intended to practically and meaningfully define how parents will Address, Change & Engage in Disagreement. This is part of my Conscious Contract training—creating provisions that support cooperation and resilience rather than defaulting to escalation.
An “ACED” provision will always be unique to the family. It is built off of what they have shared as their values, and what is most important to them, which guides their decision-making.
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It takes time to succeed at divorce. I know that sounds funny, but it is a transition from one way of living to another.
Emotions accompany any life transition, and you will mourn the loss while celebrating this new phase. If you need support, find a therapist or support group or talk to a friend who understands.
In time, you’ll learn how to respectfully communicate with your ex for the benefit and well-being of your children. You both want this. You’d do it if you were still married. So set aside your hurt and emotions to be there for your child in the way they need you to be.
If you find it difficult to include your ex in educational endeavors related to the children, it might be a good idea to go together to a Mediator and discuss ways to share information and divide responsibilities.
Just like marriage, divorce changes over time as we grow and evolve. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help at different stages of your divorce so that you can do this well!
Whatever you do or feel, if you can keep your child’s school success as your shared motivation, it will help guide you in healthy and communicative directions.
Throughout my career as a curious divorce attorney and mediator, I have sought out trainings, certifications, and professional development opportunities to deepen my knowledge and enhance my family law skills.
A few years ago, I began my journey as an Insight Mediator, applying the insight theory to help divorcing couples reach workable and satisfying settlements. Recently, I’ve been participating in the Curious Mediator II training, which seeks to integrate the Conscious Contract® concept into divorce mediation and settlement agreement negotiations.
It’s a natural pairing because a Conscious Contract®, whether in a business relationship or a parenting agreement, takes people through the steps of how they make decisions, guided by values and intended outcomes.
I know it might sound confusing, but we rarely think about what drives our decision-making—and we should!
What motivates decision-making for a businessperson?
A parent?
A romantic partner?
A friend?
When I facilitate a mediation with a divorcing couple or a co-parenting couple post-divorce, I guide them through reflection on their motivations, their decisions, and their intended outcomes. I encourage them to get curious.
I do this every day as a businessperson. I reflect when I am negotiating a contract. I reflect before I guide my team members in their responsibilities. I even reflect as a mother when I am in conversation with my daughters.
Take Time to Reflect
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When it comes to divorce, everyone involved will be better for taking the time to reflect on how and why they make decisions. The Curious Mediator training is training me to talk with my Mediation clients about those values that they identify as crucial to guide the decisions they make regarding divorce, parenting and more.
But first, people must be able to articulate their values.
We throw that term around a lot—values. But what does it mean?
Values should refer to the beliefs and priorities that guide your actions. I guide Mediation clients (and really, all my divorce clients) toward identifying specific values, writing them down, discussing them in detail so the other person can understand what you mean, and then, how to use these values to guide decision making.
Within the training, I am looking at how the environment is important in making people feel comfortable and safe talking about what matters most to them.
Everything Is a Contract Between Parties
I look at co-parenting as a contract between former spouses detailing how they will approach situations. The contract is something that both parties articulate and agree to so that when they are during co-parenting, they can refer to it and hold each other, and themselves, accountable to thoughtful, grounded behaviors.
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What happens if there’s a dispute? A specific provision guides you through it.
In Curious Mediator training, the emphasis is on getting curious. When I meet with a couple in Mediation, I bring my curiosity—no judgment and no predetermined outcomes. I am there to guide the two of them through their own conversations and hopes for the future and by being curious, I can help them articulate how they want to get there.
Recently, I facilitated a mediation during which the parents created a joint parenting narrative agreeing on what to say to their children about their divorce, what is important to them, and why they made certain decisions. In drafting the Parenting Time Agreement, we included a conflict resolution paragraph that incorporated the values they expressed in their joint parenting narrative.
The hope is that, when they get to a difficult moment in their co-parenting, they will refer to this provision to guide them in resolving their disagreement, helping with what to say and why they, as parents, made certain decisions.
Let Your Values Lead
Mid-conflict, they can look to their values, what matters to them, what they agreed to, and it guides them in moving forward on the same page and with having a coordinated message for their children.
Insight Mediation training changes how I work with people. The Conscious Contract® training affects how I draft documents, not only Judgments of Divorce, Settlement and Parenting Agreements, but also Prenuptial Agreements. Many people come to me to draft prenups and review prenups created by other attorneys, and I am honored to guide them in creating language driven by their values.
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If I understand what’s important to a client, what they have discussed as a couple, whether pre-marriage or post, their legal documents will reflect them. And that matters.
One couple said, “The lawyer who did our first draft wrote it all in legalese. It doesn’t reflect what we believe or what we want for each other or our marriage.”
This is typical. Most attorneys use a template focused on protecting one person in the relationship over the other, not creating a path based on the realistic expectations the couple has for their future.
When I spoke with the couple, they talked about their values and what they want to make sure happens during their marriage. So when I revised the prenuptial agreement, I used plain English—their names, us or me instead of the client—and they felt better about the resulting agreement.
Expanding What Transitions Legal Offers
The Curious Mediator training is not just for divorcing couples. It applies to any conflict, really. I am equipped now, with this training, to mediate a conflict between neighbors or help families resolve disputes.
By gaining these skills, I am broadening the scope of what Transitions Legal can do for you—for anyone.
Our clients now go beyond divorce. Recently, an older couple asked me to mediate a dispute between their grown sons, who owned a business together but were no longer speaking. The business had gone bad, and the wives were at odds. The parents were devastated that their sons were not talking and suggested Mediation.
This is meaningful work!
In another case, some daughters were in conflict with their father, who was remarrying and making changes to his estate plan. They had existing issues with their dad, and they wanted to maintain the family identity, so they hired me and a mental health professional to co-mediate for them.
Most stressful situations demand better communication and empathy. If I can bring that to people, I will consider my life’s work a success.
By gaining these skills, I am broadening the scope of what Transitions Legal can do for you—for anyone.