Throughout my career as a curious divorce attorney and mediator, I have sought out trainings, certifications, and professional development opportunities to deepen my knowledge and enhance my family law skills.
A few years ago, I began my journey as an Insight Mediator, applying the insight theory to help divorcing couples reach workable and satisfying settlements. Recently, I’ve been participating in the Curious Mediator II training, which seeks to integrate the Conscious Contract® concept into divorce mediation and settlement agreement negotiations.
It’s a natural pairing because a Conscious Contract®, whether in a business relationship or a parenting agreement, takes people through the steps of how they make decisions, guided by values and intended outcomes.
I know it might sound confusing, but we rarely think about what drives our decision-making—and we should!
What motivates decision-making for a businessperson?
A parent?
A romantic partner?
A friend?
When I facilitate a mediation with a divorcing couple or a co-parenting couple post-divorce, I guide them through reflection on their motivations, their decisions, and their intended outcomes. I encourage them to get curious.
I do this every day as a businessperson. I reflect when I am negotiating a contract. I reflect before I guide my team members in their responsibilities. I even reflect as a mother when I am in conversation with my daughters.
Take Time to Reflect
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When it comes to divorce, everyone involved will be better for taking the time to reflect on how and why they make decisions. The Curious Mediator training is training me to talk with my Mediation clients about those values that they identify as crucial to guide the decisions they make regarding divorce, parenting and more.
But first, people must be able to articulate their values.
We throw that term around a lot—values. But what does it mean?
Values should refer to the beliefs and priorities that guide your actions. I guide Mediation clients (and really, all my divorce clients) toward identifying specific values, writing them down, discussing them in detail so the other person can understand what you mean, and then, how to use these values to guide decision making.
Within the training, I am looking at how the environment is important in making people feel comfortable and safe talking about what matters most to them.
Everything Is a Contract Between Parties
I look at co-parenting as a contract between former spouses detailing how they will approach situations. The contract is something that both parties articulate and agree to so that when they are during co-parenting, they can refer to it and hold each other, and themselves, accountable to thoughtful, grounded behaviors.
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What happens if there’s a dispute? A specific provision guides you through it.
In Curious Mediator training, the emphasis is on getting curious. When I meet with a couple in Mediation, I bring my curiosity—no judgment and no predetermined outcomes. I am there to guide the two of them through their own conversations and hopes for the future and by being curious, I can help them articulate how they want to get there.
Recently, I facilitated a mediation during which the parents created a joint parenting narrative agreeing on what to say to their children about their divorce, what is important to them, and why they made certain decisions. In drafting the Parenting Time Agreement, we included a conflict resolution paragraph that incorporated the values they expressed in their joint parenting narrative.
The hope is that, when they get to a difficult moment in their co-parenting, they will refer to this provision to guide them in resolving their disagreement, helping with what to say and why they, as parents, made certain decisions.
Let Your Values Lead
Mid-conflict, they can look to their values, what matters to them, what they agreed to, and it guides them in moving forward on the same page and with having a coordinated message for their children.
Insight Mediation training changes how I work with people. The Conscious Contract® training affects how I draft documents, not only Judgments of Divorce, Settlement and Parenting Agreements, but also Prenuptial Agreements. Many people come to me to draft prenups and review prenups created by other attorneys, and I am honored to guide them in creating language driven by their values.
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If I understand what’s important to a client, what they have discussed as a couple, whether pre-marriage or post, their legal documents will reflect them. And that matters.
One couple said, “The lawyer who did our first draft wrote it all in legalese. It doesn’t reflect what we believe or what we want for each other or our marriage.”
This is typical. Most attorneys use a template focused on protecting one person in the relationship over the other, not creating a path based on the realistic expectations the couple has for their future.
When I spoke with the couple, they talked about their values and what they want to make sure happens during their marriage. So when I revised the prenuptial agreement, I used plain English—their names, us or me instead of the client—and they felt better about the resulting agreement.
Expanding What Transitions Legal Offers
The Curious Mediator training is not just for divorcing couples. It applies to any conflict, really. I am equipped now, with this training, to mediate a conflict between neighbors or help families resolve disputes.
By gaining these skills, I am broadening the scope of what Transitions Legal can do for you—for anyone.
Our clients now go beyond divorce. Recently, an older couple asked me to mediate a dispute between their grown sons, who owned a business together but were no longer speaking. The business had gone bad, and the wives were at odds. The parents were devastated that their sons were not talking and suggested Mediation.
This is meaningful work!
In another case, some daughters were in conflict with their father, who was remarrying and making changes to his estate plan. They had existing issues with their dad, and they wanted to maintain the family identity, so they hired me and a mental health professional to co-mediate for them.
Most stressful situations demand better communication and empathy. If I can bring that to people, I will consider my life’s work a success.
The field of family law is exactly what the words say: law related to families. That means more than divorce.
In Ohio, where I grew up and returned for law school at Case Western Reserve School of Law, the common nomenclature is domestic relations. Reflecting on the work I do, I believe Ohio has that right. The work I do as a Family Law Mediator and Attorney is all about relationships.
In decades of practice as a family law attorney, I’ve learned a thing or two about relationships. What works, and certainly what doesn’t. So when a person is deciding whether to split from their spouse, I can help.
Even if they decide to stay together, the workbooks that I offer every client are great tools for couples to use to open discussions about themselves, their relationship, what they want, and what they don’t want. Check out Our Family in Two Homes and Designing Our Future Together.
Know Your Partner, Know Yourself
Some religions require pre-marital counseling to look at many of these issues, and I believe all people should do this work before they commit to a long-term legal relationship.
But the truth is most of us don’t. And so when we run into challenges and conflicts, we often don’t know what to do. Divorce these days seems like an easy out, but it is not!
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And because no relationship is easy sailing at all times, it benefits every person to examine who they are, who they want to be, and how they want to show up in relationships.
This resource can help couples find new ways to get through inevitable conflicts.
Try Everything First
Something else I offer is relationship mediation. Because there are things in your marriage that can lead to divorce, why not bring in a neutral third party who can help you work through conflicts and avoid a breakup?
Some people are averse to therapy or couples counseling. As a lawyer with deep skills in shared financial and property assets, I often help couples navigate conflicts over money, and what lurks behind those disagreements.
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Also when it comes to kids, there’s benefit in bringing two people together instead of just talking to your own therapist. This way, you gain a different perspective on the challenges. I can recommend Co-Parenting Counselors and other professionals skilled in guiding couples through these bumps in the road.
But of course, a family law attorney is in the business of managing the legal aspects of marriage, including post-judgment issues that arise for divorced families.
Alternative Approaches to Conflict Resolution
So many people want to avoid returning to court post-divorce, but they don’t know how to handle issues that arise. I use my skills in Collaborative Divorce and Conflict Resolution to help people resolve conflicts.
We find a way to work together by thinking outside the box, being creative. In high-conflict cases, many attorneys believe there are only one or two options, court being the prevalent one, letting a judge decide a family’s fate.
I disagree. There are a host of options to satisfy both clients, and by having a discussion about what matters most to each parent and getting creative, we can come to resolution without court intervention.
What all of these situations share in common is a willingness to talk about what’s behind a particular issue, so you don’t get entrenched in a war where you end up hating each other.
What all of these situations share in common is a willingness to talk about what’s behind a particular issue,
Even couples who divorce don’t start out hating one another. They may be sad that the marriage is ending or mourn the death of the dream of forever.
But the combative practice of traditional court-based divorce can lead to pretty bitter rivalries and opposition between former spouses.
Build & Keep Trust
I try to help couples maintain the trust they have, build trust on a different level, and find new ways, calmer ways, to work through life’s challenges. We all face them at one time or another—why not bring our best selves to face whatever comes, and use the skills of a family law attorney to benefit all involved?
Americans are waiting longer to marry these days, with some deciding marriage is an antiquated institution that they want no part of according to a Pew Research Study. But that doesn’t stop couples from cohabiting and even having children together.
So, what does that mean for divorce and co-parenting?
Well, obviously, if they’ve never married, going through the legal process of divorce is eliminated, but these parents still face the rigors and questions of co-parenting in two homes and as a result, family law attorneys see plenty of cases with never-married couples who want to legally codify a parenting plan to guide their lifelong responsibilities and ensure financial security for their children.
The divorce rate in America has been steadily falling for some time, but the downward trend of marriage in America isn’t that significant – yet. The 2019 Pew study reported that 58 percent of Americans were married in 1995 and now, it’s 53 percent. The study also revealed that more than three-quarters of young adults today are comfortable with the idea of living with a partner outside of marriage; and it’s not surprising that views about marriage vary according to religious affiliation.
But even with all of these changes in how people are now viewing marriage and parenting, married adults show higher levels of happiness in their relationships, along with more trust, than unmarried cohabiting couples.
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Today, according to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), the divorce rate is 2.3 per 1,000 people. And, more people were married in 2021 than in 1960 – perhaps due to a more robust nationwide population!
A lot of factors influence whether a person is likely to marry, cohabitate or stay single. Regardless, we are definitely in an age when the question of parenting exists outside of and separate from the question of marriage. If children are the future, then isn’t it wise for unmarried parents to commit to protecting their relationships with their children even when they themselves are no longer a couple.
Could this impact where we are in a decade or two from now? Who knows!
There are events in a child’s life that are important, and it doesn’t matter whose day it is. Like the first day of school.
So long as there isn’t a court order prohibiting it, both parents can and should be there to support their child, regardless of Parenting Time designations.
A Parenting Time schedule doesn’t exclude either parent from their child’s special events. It could be a soccer match, a choir concert, a dance recital, or the first day of school. If they want to be there, they can and should.
(The only exception to this would be in the event of a Personal Protection Order (PPO), or “no contact order,” that orders a parent to not be in the presence of the other parent or the child.)
But different parents have different perspectives.
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When it comes to back-to-school, it’s important that divorced parents be on the same page to best support their children. Even if one parent holds the bulk of planning!
What a lot of parents don’t think about is the costs involved in going back to school. New clothing, books, notebooks. School supplies can be quite expensive. Even in less privileged areas, there are resources parents need to be aware of to acquire the items their children need for school.
Children also need guidance to transition from the freedom of summer, often with later bedtimes and different daily schedules, back to the routine of the academic year. It’s important for parents to be on the same page to make all the back-to-school preparations go smoothly.
Who will acquire the school supplies?
Will you share costs?
Will you both honor a transitional model to ease bedtime earlier?
For school supplies, it varies as to how things get done – some parents go together, some alternate years of responsibility, and in other families, one parent acquires everything, and the other parent reimburses for half the expenses.
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The focus should always be on what do the kids need? And, not just materially but emotionally from their parents as well.
We can’t stress enough looking at your children’s needs and how you can make back-to-school smooth and easy for them.
Maybe you step back from something because it’s not worth the fight. If the child has anxiety about returning to school, make sure the other parent knows about it, so you can both support the child. Communicate that information. And if you are the parent receiving that information, respond to your co-parent. Show appreciation and share ideas for how to help them.
When you’re communicating with your co-parent, you know how they respond to you, so watch your wording so what you have to share really gets through for the benefit of the children.
Use questions instead of directives. You’ll get further for the benefit of your child.
It’s the hardest thing to sometimes step back and put your desires and feelings aside to benefit your child or meet your child’s needs.
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We always say, “I would do anything for my kids.” But would you? Do you?
When it comes to back-to-school, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed because there is so much to get done; it’s easy to feel angry or resentful because of your co-parent’s lack of involvement or assistance. It’s also easy to feel competitive with your co-parent, to want to edge them out and be the only one accompanying your son or daughter to school. You might feel you’re losing out if you’re not involved with something.
But all of these emotions are about you, not at all about your child.
“The best interests of my child” is not always where a parent’s heart leads. We are all human, and it’s natural to feel an array of emotions at the beginning of a new school year.
But be the mature one. Recognize your emotions, where you feel it in your body, and sit with it. Try to put it in a box, and make your child your priority. Deal with your feelings on an adult level in an adult way. It’s hard, but this is the proof of good parenting.
We are in the height of summer, and I hope my clients are feeling good and being flexible with their Parenting Time arrangements.
I’m not saying divorced parents should throw out the parameters they established for co-parenting. I’m saying that when kids are out of school, some attending camp, others at home during the day, it’s important to be “giving” with your ex so that Parenting Time can flow with your children’s schedule changes.
If we look at Parenting Time as “the kids’ time” and are not possessive of our children’s time, it can be easier to just let it flow with their schedules.
Think about if you were still married – you would take into account that your kids go to camp, or have a job, or have another out-of-the-ordinary schedule and you would try to balance the time that they’re home so that you can enjoy them as their schedules allow.
Summer is also a good time to try a different schedule. For instance, if you’re thinking of moving toward a more equal parenting time schedule, it’s better for your children if you and their co-parent can try it out during the summer months to see how your children adjust rather than doing so for the first time at the beginning of the school year.
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Just letting it flow in the summer means parents can plan some good down time when the kids are not bound by school and extracurricular demands. That doesn’t mean they have to go away on a vacation; it’s an opportunity to spend more time with them, if you can arrange it with work schedules, doing fun things, creating memories.
As a working mom, I found summers stressful because I had to find activities for my daughters when they were young, schedule camps they would enjoy and find caregivers. There were hours during the day I needed to be at work and my husband’s schedule was not flexible, so it was important to plan ahead and to be organized because my job doesn’t take a summer vacation!
Imagine how much harder that can be when you’re divorced!
A good child therapist or family law attorney might have ideas and resources to help you through this. In my role as a divorce attorney, I don’t limit myself to the law. If I can help parents with ideas for summer camps based on my own experiences, I do so! Sometimes working parents don’t have resources to help them navigate the summer months, and we as attorneys and professionals can be that resource because we’ve had experiences, both professionally and personally.
Either way, if you can be looser in the summer to allow some flexibility for your children, do it. You won’t be sorry!
By gaining these skills, I am broadening the scope of what Transitions Legal can do for you—for anyone.
