For the longest time, mothers got custody automatically. But now, in an effort to correct a perceived injustice against men, courts and law firms alike are focusing on dads, circulating legislation to establish mandatory equal parenting time motivated by dads groups.
It’s like a pendulum swinging from one extreme to the other, and I hope to eventually see it settle in some middle ground with the focus solely on what is best for the children.
This change began when I started my career in family law in the early 1990s. I cannot remember a case where it was an automatic win for the mom. Yes, moms were still favored, but it wasn’t automatic.
Over the last 20 years, it’s really intensified, as newly-elected judges brought their perspectives on the idea of parenting time to the bench. Sometimes it feels like it doesn’t matter what the law says.
You can walk into one judge’s courtroom and know that they are a “50/50 judge,” which means they start from an assumption of equal parenting time and if you want it to be something different, you better show a good reason why. It is really difficult to get them to move.
Litigation in such a courtroom is quite challenging when you know there is a good reason to skew the amount of time children spend with one parent or another, or even just where they will lay their heads at night. Sometimes it’s as simple as the roles parents played while they were married. You can’t draw a sharp line in the sand when you split, making everything change immediately.
Photo by Larry Crayton on Unsplash
When one parent has been the primary caregiver, it’s uncomfortable not only for the parent but for the children, to suddenly be ousted from their job or role and the whole family thrown into a very different routine.
It’s challenging, too, for the non-primary caregiver, who may have no idea about a lot of what goes into taking care of a toddler or school schedules or carpooling and they’re forced to step into a very different role without guidance or transition. They may be too proud to ask for help.
A divorce is often not the most collegial of processes, which means parents on both sides may feel uncomfortable asking the other for guidance in their new role. Which is exactly what they need.
When you get into court, you’re positioned against each other so instead of recognizing these natural human elements, it becomes a fight, where they won’t talk about or look at options.
If we want to move towards promoting more equal parenting time, then depending on the real life situation, it may be best to move toward that point in stages.
That way, it’s less disruptive for the children, while giving time for both parents to transition into new roles.
Photo by Edi Libedinsky on Unsplash
Depending on the ages of the kids, I recommend giving six months or a year to make a change, giving both parents space to learn about their new role. The kids also can gradually transition into the changes.
In the divorce world, most attorneys fail to and some even refuse to talk about the impact of all of this. The focus is instead on the outcome . I wish we recognized how kids bear the brunt of adult decisions. For instance, they’re the ones shuffling back and forth between two homes – not the adults who initiated the divorce!
I yearn for a time when divorcing parents can put their hurt and anger aside in exchange for a focus on their children, who didn’t ask for any of this. This means not just talking the talk, but showing it by the compromises and agreements they make. Parenting time must be about the children – not about the parents!!
I prefer to look at parenting time as the parent’s opportunity to spend time with that child, on the child’s schedule. Whether you’re a mom or a dad, you can and should be more involved in school, spend more time with your children doing things of interest to them, and cherish this time, even if it’s not an overnight.
It takes humility on both parents’ parts to recognize their strengths and weaknesses, and cooperation to work together, but in this model the focus is completely on the children. Which is how it should be.
I’ve always recoiled at the phrase “spoiling children.” If you think about it, to spoil a food, it must sit out unattended for so long that it is no longer edible. So what, then, does it truly mean to spoil a child?
Everybody’s definition of spoiling is different. For some, it’s too many “things” – toys, clothing, expensive vacations, responding yes to any ask.
Some say that when children get everything they want, we do them a disservice because they are not allowed to earn and to learn.
I agree that when you earn the money for something yourself, it is more precious to you.
Plus, I’ve seen with my own kids that when they have to decide whether to spend their own money on something, it may not always seem so important to them to have it.
Those are valuable lessons.
After my first daughter was born, people told me not to hold her too much because I would spoil her. That, I believe, was horrible advice. Their rationale was that if held too much, she would not learn how to go to sleep on her own.
That type of attention – holding, loving, cuddling, kissing – humans of all ages need, and I believe you can never have too much love.
When it comes to divorced parents, there is a great risk of the parents giving their children everything they ask for out of guilt – guilt from the divorce, guilt over changing their family’s definition and routine, guilt over the pain they believe they inflicted on their children.
I get that. Children don’t ask to be born and when they are brought into the world in a loving two-parent family that they come to depend on as their foundation, it is unsettling and disruptive when that changes with a divorce.
But I believe not every relationship is meant to last forever, and sometimes a divorce can bring a healthier setting to a family than what they had before. That’s why I see divorce as a transition from one stage to the next rather than good to bad.
That said, it’s important for parents to think twice before responding to children’s demands post-divorce. Some yesses are deserved and important. Some are indulgent. And if children smell guilt on their parents, watch out!
But I believe not every relationship is meant to last forever, and sometimes a divorce can bring a healthier setting to a family than what they had before. That’s why I see divorce as a transition from one stage to the next rather than good to bad.
That said, it’s important for parents to think twice before responding to children’s demands post-divorce. Some yesses are deserved and important. Some are indulgent. And if children smell guilt on their parents, watch out!
It’s common for newly divorced parents to unwittingly overcompensate by giving their children stuff and experiences because they feel badly about the divorce.
I believe some “spoiling” is good. Too much love, definitely!! Allay that guilt by planning movie nights with homemade popcorn and pizza on the couch, cuddling and laughing together.
Talk more. Spend the time you do have with your kids truly listening to them, focusing on them, throwing the football in the backyard, writing with chalk on the sidewalk together. Get down and dirty to create new memories in your new definition of family, so the guilt will dissipate and the children will be reassured that family is family, even if the routine looks different.
Parenting in its ideal form should be about creating a joyful childhood for your offspring, plain and simple. That way, they have a solid foundation from which to spring into adulthood and become high-functioning, happy contributors to our world.
Whether you remain married to your children’s other parent or not, you can achieve this. It becomes easier, of course, if you have a plan and a vision for what you intend to do as a parent.
Parenting is not about putting your hopes and dreams onto your child or forcing them into your definition of smart, successful, or happy. It’s about seeing each child for who he or she is, and guiding them toward their best future.
When we have a joyful childhood, we can easily transition through the phases of growing up and enter adulthood content, complete, and confident. We have a better world when we are surrounded by these kinds of adults – not the broken, yearning ones.
As an adult, I often try to get back to when I was a child, to my truth, my core, to enjoy life so much more. As children, we know inherently who we are. We are true to that.
We don’t worry or ruminate over decisions or paths. We just go and live and do.
As we grow older and become adults, we lose that. As parents, we are trying to raise functioning adults so let’s create joyful childhoods for them so we can achieve that goal!
That way, when they are adults, they can reach back into where they started and pull out some joyful memories to anchor them through tough times.
If you’re a divorce parent, see if you can get your co-parent to be on the same page with you about this. After all, it’s not about hurt feelings and who-left-whom. It’s about banding together to do what is best and right for your children.
Remember, as co-parents, your job is to come together to provide the best, healthiest, supportive foundation for your children. It’s about them, not about you. If you can keep that guiding truth in front of you, you’ll do just fine – by them, and by you.
In Growing Up Fisher, the one-season TV sitcom featuring a newly divorced family learning their way in their new arrangement, the mom, played by Jenna Elfman, tries to be cool with her daughter, played by Ava Deluca-Verley, rather than acting as the mother. It’s a way to try to win her daughter’s affection and loyalty – and confirm that she’s the favorite parent.
While this story comes from a TV show, it’s not uncommon in real divorced families. After you get divorced, you know your life will be different. Just how different, exactly? And how will it affect your relationship with your children?
First, you are parenting alone – your former spouse lives in another house and makes different decisions than you do. Since the emotions are still acute, you don’t check in with each other to confirm consistency. It’s your approach vs. your ex, every man or woman for themselves.
That can lead to a sort of competition between former spouses, which isn’t good for anyone, least of all the children. Too many divorced parents unknowingly compete for attention and favor with their children. That’s a tug-of-war the children live every day, and they shouldn’t have to.
When parents are insecure about their place in their children’s lives, they try to win them over – and the kids come to expect gifts and entertainment as the norm.
We can’t protect our kids as much as we think we can. Divorce hurts everyone involved. But we get over the hurt and build strength in its place.
Our society is so used to protecting kids – not just emotionally but financially, too. We must accept that with divorce, things change. And it will all be OK in the end.
It’s hard to endure a difficult time. The dissolution of family as we know it requires time to adjust – for everyone – and believe it or not, your kids will weather the changes better than you will.
Sometimes we have to let our kids fall in order to learn how to stand up and dust themselves off and try to climb to the top again.
And sometimes we have to do the same. We can’t cushion anyone’s fall.
So accept that when you divorce, your relationship with your children will change. You will still be the parent, they will still be the children, and you will all still love each other. Different does not necessarily mean bad. Ride the waves. They always eventually take you to shore.
In Growing Up Fisher, the one-season TV sitcom featuring a newly divorced family learning their way in their new arrangement, the mom, played by Jenna Elfman, tries to be cool with her daughter, played by Ava Deluca-Verley, rather than acting as the mother. It’s a way to try to win her daughter’s affection and loyalty – and confirm that she’s the favorite parent.
While this story comes from a TV show, it’s not uncommon in real divorced families. After you get divorced, you know your life will be different. Just how different, exactly? And how will it affect your relationship with your children?
First, you are parenting alone – your former spouse lives in another house and makes different decisions than you do. Since the emotions are still acute, you don’t check in with each other to confirm consistency. It’s your approach vs. your ex, every man or woman for themselves.
That can lead to a sort of competition between former spouses, which isn’t good for anyone, least of all the children. Too many divorced parents unknowingly compete for attention and favor with their children. That’s a tug-of-war the children live every day, and they shouldn’t have to.
When parents are insecure about their place in their children’s lives, they try to win them over – and the kids come to expect gifts and entertainment as the norm.
We can’t protect our kids as much as we think we can. Divorce hurts everyone involved. But we get over the hurt and build strength in its place.
Our society is so used to protecting kids – not just emotionally but financially, too. We must accept that with divorce, things change. And it will all be OK in the end.
It’s hard to endure a difficult time. The dissolution of family as we know it requires time to adjust – for everyone – and believe it or not, your kids will weather the changes better than you will.
Sometimes we have to let our kids fall in order to learn how to stand up and dust themselves off and try to climb to the top again.
And sometimes we have to do the same. We can’t cushion anyone’s fall.
So accept that when you divorce, your relationship with your children will change. You will still be the parent, they will still be the children, and you will all still love each other. Different does not necessarily mean bad. Ride the waves. They always eventually take you to shore.
