It comes every year, back-to-school madness, with frantic shopping trips for school supplies, backpacks, and new clothes. But for divorced parents, this time can be fraught for very different reasons.
Even in the 21st century, schools and teachers aren’t always sensitive to a child’s real-life situations. And they should be.
Sometimes, it’s the parents’ fault, as one pits against the other, or excludes their former spouse from important school communications. As a Collaborative Divorce attorney and Mediator guiding clients in alternative dispute resolution so they can avoid combative litigation and stay out of court, I am a big advocate of creating a team for your child in the best way possible.
Schools and teachers should remain neutral and support their students. And parents should work together to be a united front for their children, even after a marriage has ended.
It is possible, you know. Tension and stress do not have to be the norm in divorced families! That’s why I practice the way I do, offering couples alternative ways to end a marriage, so they can move on in their lives and their family with respect, dignity, and grace.
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It Starts With Focusing On Your Child
When their child is the focus, parents make better decisions. It’s not about your hurt feelings or resentments; it’s about the children.
Starting a new school year is a time of anxiety and also excitement for children. They have new teachers, possibly new friends, and new challenging classes to advance their education. All of this should be what divorced parents focus on!
Still, it’s important for teachers to be aware of a child’s home situation. So, let them know—while copying your former spouse on the email—what’s going on and what home life your child experiences, so teachers can understand the full picture.
Teachers are generally compassionate people who care a lot about children. After all, they’ve devoted their careers to teaching!! So consider them your family’s ally, and help them to support your child in ideal ways—by keeping both parents in the communication loop.
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If custody battles are still raging, let the teacher know this. Children don’t learn in a bubble. They bring to school whatever worries or tensions they experience at home, and that can impact their ability to learn.
Teachers should never take sides, and parents shouldn’t try to make them do so. If they have concerns, they should reach out to both parents. And both parents should respond in dignified and concerned ways, keeping their child as the focal point of the conversation.
These days, teachers are usually overworked and underpaid. They’re so busy that they should not have to add to their burden of responsibility navigating a tense family situation.
And don’t suffer in silence. It helps your child for their teacher to understand the full landscape of their life.
Learning to Do Divorce Well
I’ve started to work with clients to include an “ACED” provision in their divorce agreement which is intended to practically and meaningfully define how parents will Address, Change & Engage in Disagreement. This is part of my Conscious Contract training—creating provisions that support cooperation and resilience rather than defaulting to escalation.
An “ACED” provision will always be unique to the family. It is built off of what they have shared as their values, and what is most important to them, which guides their decision-making.
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It takes time to succeed at divorce. I know that sounds funny, but it is a transition from one way of living to another.
Emotions accompany any life transition, and you will mourn the loss while celebrating this new phase. If you need support, find a therapist or support group or talk to a friend who understands.
In time, you’ll learn how to respectfully communicate with your ex for the benefit and well-being of your children. You both want this. You’d do it if you were still married. So set aside your hurt and emotions to be there for your child in the way they need you to be.
If you find it difficult to include your ex in educational endeavors related to the children, it might be a good idea to go together to a Mediator and discuss ways to share information and divide responsibilities.
Just like marriage, divorce changes over time as we grow and evolve. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help at different stages of your divorce so that you can do this well!
Whatever you do or feel, if you can keep your child’s school success as your shared motivation, it will help guide you in healthy and communicative directions.
There are events in a child’s life that are important, and it doesn’t matter whose day it is. Like the first day of school.
So long as there isn’t a court order prohibiting it, both parents can and should be there to support their child, regardless of Parenting Time designations.
A Parenting Time schedule doesn’t exclude either parent from their child’s special events. It could be a soccer match, a choir concert, a dance recital, or the first day of school. If they want to be there, they can and should.
(The only exception to this would be in the event of a Personal Protection Order (PPO), or “no contact order,” that orders a parent to not be in the presence of the other parent or the child.)
But different parents have different perspectives.
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When it comes to back-to-school, it’s important that divorced parents be on the same page to best support their children. Even if one parent holds the bulk of planning!
What a lot of parents don’t think about is the costs involved in going back to school. New clothing, books, notebooks. School supplies can be quite expensive. Even in less privileged areas, there are resources parents need to be aware of to acquire the items their children need for school.
Children also need guidance to transition from the freedom of summer, often with later bedtimes and different daily schedules, back to the routine of the academic year. It’s important for parents to be on the same page to make all the back-to-school preparations go smoothly.
Who will acquire the school supplies?
Will you share costs?
Will you both honor a transitional model to ease bedtime earlier?
For school supplies, it varies as to how things get done – some parents go together, some alternate years of responsibility, and in other families, one parent acquires everything, and the other parent reimburses for half the expenses.
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The focus should always be on what do the kids need? And, not just materially but emotionally from their parents as well.
We can’t stress enough looking at your children’s needs and how you can make back-to-school smooth and easy for them.
Maybe you step back from something because it’s not worth the fight. If the child has anxiety about returning to school, make sure the other parent knows about it, so you can both support the child. Communicate that information. And if you are the parent receiving that information, respond to your co-parent. Show appreciation and share ideas for how to help them.
When you’re communicating with your co-parent, you know how they respond to you, so watch your wording so what you have to share really gets through for the benefit of the children.
Use questions instead of directives. You’ll get further for the benefit of your child.
It’s the hardest thing to sometimes step back and put your desires and feelings aside to benefit your child or meet your child’s needs.
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We always say, “I would do anything for my kids.” But would you? Do you?
When it comes to back-to-school, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed because there is so much to get done; it’s easy to feel angry or resentful because of your co-parent’s lack of involvement or assistance. It’s also easy to feel competitive with your co-parent, to want to edge them out and be the only one accompanying your son or daughter to school. You might feel you’re losing out if you’re not involved with something.
But all of these emotions are about you, not at all about your child.
“The best interests of my child” is not always where a parent’s heart leads. We are all human, and it’s natural to feel an array of emotions at the beginning of a new school year.
But be the mature one. Recognize your emotions, where you feel it in your body, and sit with it. Try to put it in a box, and make your child your priority. Deal with your feelings on an adult level in an adult way. It’s hard, but this is the proof of good parenting.
As kids return to school this fall, it may be a good time to evaluate how your parenting time schedule and structure is working. How’s the co-parenting relationship weathering this seasonal and scheduling change?
While a Judgment of Divorce or Parenting Time Order renders a certain schedule or structure to co-parenting, both parents are the ultimate architects of their family, so if it’s not working, you can decide together to make changes if you both agree.
It’s a good idea to review parenting time schedules periodically, to determine if the existing plan best fits your children’s needs.
The mark of great co-parenting is being flexible enough to accommodate your children’s needs from year to year, season to season.
A great way to determine what is best for your children is to assess how the current parenting schedule worked for them last school year.
Switching schools, moving up to middle school or high school, even taking on a new team sport can mean new start and end times, new extracurricular activities, new homework demands and a new practice schedule, all of which could call for a different overnight situation to guarantee students’ success.
Parents need to talk to one another. Just because your marriage ended doesn’t mean your co-parenting ended. It never does! You always want to keep your eye on what is truly best for the kids. And hopefully, as time passes, divorced spouses can heal the anger and wounds of the divorce and start to respect one another enough to work together collegially.
A strong parent needs to be ok with switching things up if it’s better for the kids. If one parent lives closer to a new school, consider arranging for the kids to stay with that parent on school nights.
To make sure a parent doesn’t lose out on time with the kids, alter school breaks or weekend time, or even holiday distribution, to even it out. The sky’s the limit when it comes to parenting time possibilities. Whatever you can dream up and live with, you can do. And if you’re in agreement, the kids will handle any changes well.
Some children do better sleeping in the same bed every night. It’s a strong parent who can agree to that, even if it means less overnight time with that child for a while. Parenting success comes from quality of time together, not quantity. And if you’re truly working together, you can figure out additional time somewhere else to even things out.
