Never Say Never, Never Say Always

Someone recently mentioned that in a lead-in for an earlier blog I posted to LinkedIn, I said: “The decision to divorce is never easy.” He was going to comment that for him, it WAS easy!

We shared a laugh but it made me think about the saying above . . .

I know a rabbi who advises couples about to be married to never say never, never say always. When arguing, he says, because you will argue, try to avoid the words “never” and “always.” These words only get you in trouble.

Similarly, when you’re in the process of divorcing, I recommend never saying never and never saying always. Couples make a lot of decisions when they divorce. They have to negotiate a settlement, parenting time, so many details, which become impossible to work out if you dig your heels in and spout absolutes like never and always.

In the heat of the divorce, with hurt and bitterness swirling around (as it does for some people), you may feel one way. And it’s hard to imagine that in a year or two or six, you might soften and not care so much about this one point as you do today.

Hence the advice to never say never, never say always.

Think about it. I’ll never do this, I’ll never agree to that, I always have this holiday…

These statements only dig a hole to bury yourself in. Perhaps one year, your ex-spouse has that holiday. Or maybe at some point in the future you won’t care so much about this or that. Why corner yourself, or your spouse, or the future of your children?

It’s so important to maintain as open a perspective as you can when going through a divorce. For both parties.

If you want to reach a settlement that you are both comfortable with, banish the words never and always. Stay as open as you can. Push the hurt aside, put it in a corner. At least temporarily.You limit yourself with never and always. Why set limits for a new approach to life, when you really don’t have to?

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