Image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay
Let’s face it—no one marries with the expectation that the relationship will end. But a certain percentage of marriages do end, and so we must support people compassionately and wisely when they do.
I understand how divorce happens all too well. Many factors contribute to the demise of a dream, which is what marriage is, really. It’s also a legal entity, and so must be legally deconstructed when the marriage ends.
Divorce lawyers don’t specialize in this type of law because we expect marriages to fail. I chose this focus for my legal career because I wanted to bring compassion to the inevitability of divorce.
Have Realistic Expectations
I think part of the problem with marriage is that everybody has a different expectation of what marriage is or should be. Those expectations must be communicated well before you get married! If not, you’re doomed to butt heads and styles.
Because two people come into marriage from two different families, with different ideas about what marriage is or is going to look like.
Photo from Pixabay
And I hate to say it, but just because you communicate about it doesn’t mean you’re going to do anything to ensure success. Let’s face it—relationships are hard! The different perspectives, ideas and expectations partners bring to a marriage can create conflict for them.
But when you’re young, it’s easy to be dreamy about finding your forever person. Still, I encourage young couples to talk about everything—whether you want children, when you want them, who will care for them, roles within the marriage and more.
If you find you have different approaches, what then? Does that stop people from marrying? Usually not—especially if they’re young and in love.
Which is one reason many marriages don’t last the duration of a lifetime.
Growing Differently
Another aspect of divorce is the simple truth that people grow and change differently, not together.
You don’t have to grow the same or change in the same ways to make a marriage last, but you do have to be able to accept the changes in your partner. What’s more, the person changing needs to be comfortable with their own differences as they’re growing.
Societal expectations set up marriage as a lifelong commitment, come what may. People often go into marriage expecting one person to fulfill all their needs. This pressure to be best friend, life partner, lover and much more is unrealistic and that pressure can be a death knell for a marriage.
Image by Mac Garrison from Pixabay
I’ve had clients who’d known each other since high school. Some of those relationships last the duration, but many do not, and I understand why. I mean, think about who you were in high school—are you that person today? Probably not.
We all go through changes, we grow up, we mature. That evolution of identity has to stay aligned for a partnership to endure. It’s rare that the person you know in high school is still the same in their 30s, 40s or beyond.
Two Whole People
For a long-term relationship to work, both partners need a certain degree of independence and sense of self. Basically, a lasting relationship includes two whole people who are strong on their own and stronger together.
A long-term relationship requires the respect and understanding that you’re two separate individuals who choose to make time and space for the relationship and each other. It depends on not losing your individual identity when you get married.
Life presents so many challenges that are difficult for married people—the amount of effort, the division of labor, who stays home with kids when they’re sick, the balance of power and the gender divide, to name a few.
When a marriage works, it’s to be celebrated. When it doesn’t, it’s to be understood and compassionately deconstructed. There’s no judgment here—just a recognition that we are all only human, going through life the best we can.