It comes every year, back-to-school madness, with frantic shopping trips for school supplies, backpacks, and new clothes. But for divorced parents, this time can be fraught for very different reasons.
Even in the 21st century, schools and teachers aren’t always sensitive to a child’s real-life situations. And they should be.
Sometimes, it’s the parents’ fault, as one pits against the other, or excludes their former spouse from important school communications. As a Collaborative Divorce attorney and Mediator guiding clients in alternative dispute resolution so they can avoid combative litigation and stay out of court, I am a big advocate of creating a team for your child in the best way possible.
Schools and teachers should remain neutral and support their students. And parents should work together to be a united front for their children, even after a marriage has ended.
It is possible, you know. Tension and stress do not have to be the norm in divorced families! That’s why I practice the way I do, offering couples alternative ways to end a marriage, so they can move on in their lives and their family with respect, dignity, and grace.
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It Starts With Focusing On Your Child
When their child is the focus, parents make better decisions. It’s not about your hurt feelings or resentments; it’s about the children.
Starting a new school year is a time of anxiety and also excitement for children. They have new teachers, possibly new friends, and new challenging classes to advance their education. All of this should be what divorced parents focus on!
Still, it’s important for teachers to be aware of a child’s home situation. So, let them know—while copying your former spouse on the email—what’s going on and what home life your child experiences, so teachers can understand the full picture.
Teachers are generally compassionate people who care a lot about children. After all, they’ve devoted their careers to teaching!! So consider them your family’s ally, and help them to support your child in ideal ways—by keeping both parents in the communication loop.
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If custody battles are still raging, let the teacher know this. Children don’t learn in a bubble. They bring to school whatever worries or tensions they experience at home, and that can impact their ability to learn.
Teachers should never take sides, and parents shouldn’t try to make them do so. If they have concerns, they should reach out to both parents. And both parents should respond in dignified and concerned ways, keeping their child as the focal point of the conversation.
These days, teachers are usually overworked and underpaid. They’re so busy that they should not have to add to their burden of responsibility navigating a tense family situation.
And don’t suffer in silence. It helps your child for their teacher to understand the full landscape of their life.
Learning to Do Divorce Well
I’ve started to work with clients to include an “ACED” provision in their divorce agreement which is intended to practically and meaningfully define how parents will Address, Change & Engage in Disagreement. This is part of my Conscious Contract training—creating provisions that support cooperation and resilience rather than defaulting to escalation.
An “ACED” provision will always be unique to the family. It is built off of what they have shared as their values, and what is most important to them, which guides their decision-making.
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It takes time to succeed at divorce. I know that sounds funny, but it is a transition from one way of living to another.
Emotions accompany any life transition, and you will mourn the loss while celebrating this new phase. If you need support, find a therapist or support group or talk to a friend who understands.
In time, you’ll learn how to respectfully communicate with your ex for the benefit and well-being of your children. You both want this. You’d do it if you were still married. So set aside your hurt and emotions to be there for your child in the way they need you to be.
If you find it difficult to include your ex in educational endeavors related to the children, it might be a good idea to go together to a Mediator and discuss ways to share information and divide responsibilities.
Just like marriage, divorce changes over time as we grow and evolve. There’s nothing wrong with seeking help at different stages of your divorce so that you can do this well!
Whatever you do or feel, if you can keep your child’s school success as your shared motivation, it will help guide you in healthy and communicative directions.
Throughout my career as a curious divorce attorney and mediator, I have sought out trainings, certifications, and professional development opportunities to deepen my knowledge and enhance my family law skills.
A few years ago, I began my journey as an Insight Mediator, applying the insight theory to help divorcing couples reach workable and satisfying settlements. Recently, I’ve been participating in the Curious Mediator II training, which seeks to integrate the Conscious Contract® concept into divorce mediation and settlement agreement negotiations.
It’s a natural pairing because a Conscious Contract®, whether in a business relationship or a parenting agreement, takes people through the steps of how they make decisions, guided by values and intended outcomes.
I know it might sound confusing, but we rarely think about what drives our decision-making—and we should!
What motivates decision-making for a businessperson?
A parent?
A romantic partner?
A friend?
When I facilitate a mediation with a divorcing couple or a co-parenting couple post-divorce, I guide them through reflection on their motivations, their decisions, and their intended outcomes. I encourage them to get curious.
I do this every day as a businessperson. I reflect when I am negotiating a contract. I reflect before I guide my team members in their responsibilities. I even reflect as a mother when I am in conversation with my daughters.
Take Time to Reflect
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When it comes to divorce, everyone involved will be better for taking the time to reflect on how and why they make decisions. The Curious Mediator training is training me to talk with my Mediation clients about those values that they identify as crucial to guide the decisions they make regarding divorce, parenting and more.
But first, people must be able to articulate their values.
We throw that term around a lot—values. But what does it mean?
Values should refer to the beliefs and priorities that guide your actions. I guide Mediation clients (and really, all my divorce clients) toward identifying specific values, writing them down, discussing them in detail so the other person can understand what you mean, and then, how to use these values to guide decision making.
Within the training, I am looking at how the environment is important in making people feel comfortable and safe talking about what matters most to them.
Everything Is a Contract Between Parties
I look at co-parenting as a contract between former spouses detailing how they will approach situations. The contract is something that both parties articulate and agree to so that when they are during co-parenting, they can refer to it and hold each other, and themselves, accountable to thoughtful, grounded behaviors.
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What happens if there’s a dispute? A specific provision guides you through it.
In Curious Mediator training, the emphasis is on getting curious. When I meet with a couple in Mediation, I bring my curiosity—no judgment and no predetermined outcomes. I am there to guide the two of them through their own conversations and hopes for the future and by being curious, I can help them articulate how they want to get there.
Recently, I facilitated a mediation during which the parents created a joint parenting narrative agreeing on what to say to their children about their divorce, what is important to them, and why they made certain decisions. In drafting the Parenting Time Agreement, we included a conflict resolution paragraph that incorporated the values they expressed in their joint parenting narrative.
The hope is that, when they get to a difficult moment in their co-parenting, they will refer to this provision to guide them in resolving their disagreement, helping with what to say and why they, as parents, made certain decisions.
Let Your Values Lead
Mid-conflict, they can look to their values, what matters to them, what they agreed to, and it guides them in moving forward on the same page and with having a coordinated message for their children.
Insight Mediation training changes how I work with people. The Conscious Contract® training affects how I draft documents, not only Judgments of Divorce, Settlement and Parenting Agreements, but also Prenuptial Agreements. Many people come to me to draft prenups and review prenups created by other attorneys, and I am honored to guide them in creating language driven by their values.
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If I understand what’s important to a client, what they have discussed as a couple, whether pre-marriage or post, their legal documents will reflect them. And that matters.
One couple said, “The lawyer who did our first draft wrote it all in legalese. It doesn’t reflect what we believe or what we want for each other or our marriage.”
This is typical. Most attorneys use a template focused on protecting one person in the relationship over the other, not creating a path based on the realistic expectations the couple has for their future.
When I spoke with the couple, they talked about their values and what they want to make sure happens during their marriage. So when I revised the prenuptial agreement, I used plain English—their names, us or me instead of the client—and they felt better about the resulting agreement.
Expanding What Transitions Legal Offers
The Curious Mediator training is not just for divorcing couples. It applies to any conflict, really. I am equipped now, with this training, to mediate a conflict between neighbors or help families resolve disputes.
By gaining these skills, I am broadening the scope of what Transitions Legal can do for you—for anyone.
Our clients now go beyond divorce. Recently, an older couple asked me to mediate a dispute between their grown sons, who owned a business together but were no longer speaking. The business had gone bad, and the wives were at odds. The parents were devastated that their sons were not talking and suggested Mediation.
This is meaningful work!
In another case, some daughters were in conflict with their father, who was remarrying and making changes to his estate plan. They had existing issues with their dad, and they wanted to maintain the family identity, so they hired me and a mental health professional to co-mediate for them.
Most stressful situations demand better communication and empathy. If I can bring that to people, I will consider my life’s work a success.
When people are trying to learn how they want to go through their divorce, my initial conversation with a potential client is a discovery meeting about the possibilities for how to go through a divorce. I talk about two specific processes — Mediation and Collaborative Divorce, as well as pre-litigation settlements and my menu of unbundled services to provide the client just what they need.
There are so many myths and misunderstandings about how Mediation can work, so let me take you through the process of Mediation.
For instance, one prospective client, who had called previously to learn about the options available for herself and her husband, called back recently and said she was told that she couldn’t use me as a Mediator because I had already spoken to her individually.
That’s just not true.
People who are thinking about getting divorced need to be able to educate themselves about the different processes without having to involve their spouse. For Mediation, it’s not unusual that one spouse will reach out to me.
If I give that spouse information, I always tell them, “If you’re interested in Mediation, share this information with your spouse, and decide if you want to have a joint meeting, or you want your spouse to have the opportunity to speak with me separately to also learn about the different processes.”
Setting a Clear Foundation
I make it clear during every initial inquiry that “the discovery meeting is only to educate you about the processes, I will not provide legal advice, nor will you share any specifics relating to your needs and desired outcome.”
I emphasize that in my role as a Mediator, I remain neutral: “I’m not representing either of you, I’m not making decisions for either of you; you don’t need to convince or persuade me. Rather, I’m giving you the tools to make decisions together.”
That’s a really important piece that people need to know about Mediation. There is an initial discovery meeting and once a couple decides that they want to use me as their Mediator, I hold a joint meeting with them where we discuss the process.
After the initial joint meeting, where I’m retained as a Mediator for the couple, my next step is to meet individually with each person, where I learn about what’s important to them, what they value, how they perceive themselves in terms of communicating with their spouse, where they feel the problems are, and how they might react or respond if there is conflict in the room.
I conduct the same meeting with both spouses. Doing so gives me great insight into what values will guide their decision making and it helps me build rapport with each person, which builds a foundation of trust.
Trust Is Everything
Trust is a big focus for Mediation. Part of our workbook focuses on where there is still trust in the relationship and where it has broken down.
Most couples, even when their marriage is disintegrating, still retain some level of trust, and that’s helpful during a Mediation.
Still, we need to identify what needs to be worked on so that we can communicate fairly and openly to succeed with the Mediation.
I coach clients on communication when challenges arise. This is my role as a Mediator especially when attorneys are not in the room (and doing the talking for their client).
There are couples who retain me for Mediation even though they have already hired attorneys. Certain aspects of the process of Mediation are different when people already have lawyers and are coming to me at a later stage in their divorce. But my style, and the importance of understanding what the clients’ value and what will guide their decision making remains the same.
Regardless of when they come to me, both members of the couple are in on all the details from the very start. In our first joint meeting, for instance, we talk about how they will be billed for Mediation and their expectation as to how they will pay.
If they are still operating and paying all their expenses out of a joint account, then we discuss how the Mediation fees will come out of that joint account. If they have divided incomes and expenses, then we discuss the expectation that each will pay one-half of the bill or if we need to come up with another arrangement.
Regardless of the issue, everything about Mediation is a conversation driven by a desire from both spouses to come up with a solution that they can live with. Ideally, this is how every divorce should go.
The biggest growth area in divorce these days is in what we call “Gray Divorce” involving older adults.
Many times that’s because it’s second or third marriage, people have already divorced once, and they’re not afraid to do it again. Plus, many people who divorce and remarry never quite understand and resolve the reasons their first marriage didn’t work out, bringing their own relationship challenges into their next union.
May is Older Americans Month and according to the U.S. Census Bureau, as of July 1, 2025, 18 percent of the nearly 342 million people in the United States are older than 65. And according to a 2023 article in AARP Magazine, boomers (people born between 1946 and 1964), aka older adults, are divorcing more than any other generation of people.
Between 1990 and 2021, the rate of divorce among older adults — Americans age 65 and older — tripled. This used to be a rare thing, seeing your grandparents break up. They’d come this far, they reasoned, might as well stick it out.
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No more! These days, one in four divorces occurs in people of this age group.
There are many reasons, of course. One is that in that population, people may have already divorced and remarried and second (and third) marriages have less of a chance of lasting than first marriages.
But even among the older population, there are couples who have been together for decades who are deciding to end their long-term marriages–Gray Divorce!
Why? Because women feel more empowered, both emotionally and financially, when in the past they didn’t have much agency.
If you’re older and divorcing, make sure you know what your resources are. (I’d say the same for any population divorcing, frankly, but the longer you live, and the longer you’re together, the more complicated it becomes to divide up your assets.)
Recently, I had a couple come to me for a prenuptial agreement. They were older (in their 60s and 70s) and the husband wanted to make sure if something happens to him, his wife would be covered financially. She didn’t bring much to the late-in-life marriage, so he was looking out for her.
And I learned, after doing a bit of research, that generally, so long as you are married for at least 9 months, the surviving spouse is eligible to receive the social security survivor benefits based on her new spouse’s record.
Social Security Is Not an Asset
Something we need to talk about with our Gray Divorces and prenuptial clients is that social security is another resource to consider, and the government has its own rules!
Social security is not an asset. Everybody’s social security is their own, but so many women of this generation didn’t work, and if they divorced at midlife or later, it wasn’t necessarily an ideal time to create a career.
These spouses have several options and it is wise to meet with a financial advisor or a social security benefits expert to understand their best option to maximize social security benefits in their particular situation.
For instance, if they were married for more than a decade during their first marriage, they can draw off their divorced spouse’s social security; but if they remarry, that benefit is usually forfeited (there are exceptions). It’s another resource lawyers need to be thinking about when working with couples in the gray generation.
Watch Your Mental Health
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Another thing to be aware of with Gray Divorce is the chance for depression or a hit to emotional well-being with the split, especially among women. Studies show that when older women develop a disability or chronic illness, some husbands are ready to hoof it, while that doesn’t happen in equal numbers when it’s the husband who falls ill.
Since seniors face depression at increasing rates and society often looks the other way, we want to watch the mental health of our older populations when their lives fall apart like this.
And it’s worse when couple-friends choose a side, abandoning one of the spouses post-divorce.
Recently, I met a man on a plane whose marriage ended after 35 years. “My wife just told me one day that she didn’t want to be married to me anymore,” he said. “It wasn’t a great marriage, but I would’ve stayed for the kids and grandkids.”
Although the divorce happened several years ago, he was still crushed by it enough to share with me, a stranger. For any person, the sting of being left can linger, but after decades of marriage, it can be even harder to shed the feelings of hurt, abandonment and loneliness.
So while Gray Divorce may be the biggest growth area we family law attorneys are seeing, we must remain mindful of all the complicating factors that accompany this population of divorcing couples. This is why Gray Divorce is especially suited for Collaborative Divorce, where a financial advisor and a mental health professional are part of the team.
April is Financial Literacy Month, which is a great reminder to know your numbers before you divorce. Know your assets, know your debts, know your expenses, know your accounts, and have access to everything.
That sentence alone may make your head spin. If it does, know that you’re not alone!
Many people seeking to divorce feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of information that is needed to move forward with their divorce—and they feel helpless when they haven’t been the spouse in charge of paying bills or managing money.
It is quite common in a marriage that one spouse is better at managing money. Most divorcing couples find tension and sometimes, disputes, when it comes to the couple’s “marital estate.” That includes the assets, debts and other acquisitions that occurred during the marriage.
If you’re splitting up, chances are good that you don’t agree on how to move forward. One spouse (or both) may want the house; one partner may not want to share retirement savings; if one partner has a much more significant income, they may be reluctant to pay support to the other.
Dividing assets and debts is one potential hurdle that may be painful during your divorce. Painful, but necessary.
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“Equitable distribution” of the marital estate means a fair, not always equal, division of shared assets and debts. But first, both parties need access to, and a clear picture of, what’s on the table.
If you feel like you’re out of the loop on your financial picture, start by requesting your credit report from one of the three major reporting agencies. (Karma.com offers free credit reports!) In that report, you’ll find all accounts and cards in your name alone as well as joint accounts.
Once you receive the report, review each account to ensure accuracy, amounts, and payment history. Dispute inaccurate information immediately.
When acting as a mediator or as an attorney, I ask that each spouse provide a copy of their credit report to me and to the other. It provides confirmation of the debts that exist and must be dealt in deciding how to distribute the marital estate.
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If you’re a high net worth couple, your financial picture may be even more complicated than you expect.
Don’t worry, though! We will get to the bottom of everything. Transitions Legal’s financial assessment in divorce includes not just hard numbers but also in-depth conversations with you about your values around money.
In some marriages, one spouse is a free-spender while another is more frugal. We bring values from our families of origin, past experiences and upbringing into the financial picture of a marriage. That’s why money can be a breaking point for many couples!
Your values surrounding money will help guide the divorce settlement, too. In Collaborative Divorce and Mediation, we have deep, meaningful conversations about what matters most to you as a couple and as a family. This guides the divorce so you can both leave the marriage feeling as good as possible about what comes next.
These are not easy conversations and one of the unique aspects of Transitions Legal’s work with you is preparing you for these conversations with resources and tools unique to our firm such as the Our Family in Two Homes workbook.
Still, to get a clear picture of where you’re headed post-divorce, we need a clear picture of where you are now. We can start with a bank balance or account statement.
Some documents or accounts you might want to look for include the following:
Investment portfolios
Retirement accounts and pensions
The deed to your home(s) and mortgage statement
Bank accounts
Business accounts if one or both of you own a business
Tax returns from previous years
Monthly expenses for your household
Credit card statements
Credit reports
Pay stubs
Monthly cash flow
In Collaborative Divorce, a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) is part of the team as a strategist who will help with all of this as well as provide insight for your post-divorce financial future. The CDFA on the Collaborative Divorce team will lead you and your spouse in exploring the division of assets, identify tax issues, and help address how to best manage the children’s financial needs for education, extracurricular expenses, medical treatment and more, based on income flow.
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It is also not unusual to include a CDFA in Mediation depending on the complexity of the marital estate and where clients will benefit from additional education about their finances.
The higher your net worth the longer this part of your divorce may take. You might be surprised, but the more debt you have also plays a role in the complexity of dividing assets. It’s important not to rush financial fact-finding or planning! It takes time to create a complete picture of your marital estate.
Many people worry about how they’ll make it financially post-divorce. It may take some months before we can create a clear picture of what your asset distribution will be once the divorce is final.
One thing you can do to be proactive is to create a budget. Look at your expenses and see what you’re likely to carry over into your post-divorce life. This exploration will prepare you for the financial discussions surrounding not only the division of your marital estate, but also about spousal support and child support!
If the expenses of your married life are too high to continue after the divorce, we’ll have conversations about how to trim so you feel confident in your new life.
It’s our job to guide you through the often-complicated financial waters of your divorce and help you emerge on the other side with knowledge, confidence and a clear path.
By gaining these skills, I am broadening the scope of what Transitions Legal can do for you—for anyone.
Next, the couple sign an agreement to Mediate. I give them each their workbook—
